The other day, as our village breathlessly anticipated another visit from Sarah Palin, I was having lunch with a friend when he asked me about U.S. Supreme Court rulings and whether I disagreed with any of them. I smirked and looked him in the eye, and this is what I said:
"Well, let's see. There's of course, in the great history of America rulings, there have been rulings that's never going to be absolute consensus by every American, and there are those issues, again, like Roe v. Wade where I believe are best held on a state level and addressed there. So you know, going through the history of America, there would be others ... "
My friend stared at me for a few seconds and said, "You dumbass. You don't have any idea what the hell you're talking about, do you?"
I sneered and winked at him, which seemed to catch him slightly off-guard, judging by the way he blew a mouthful of 7UP out of his nose. He recovered and asked me to name even one Supreme Court decision I disagreed with.
"Well, I could think of, of any again, that could be best dealt with on a more local level, maybe I would take issue with," I said, sneering and winking like crazy now, just one big sneering, winking Joe the Plumber Six-Pack Wal-Mart American, winking so hard and fast that an eye doctor rushed over and yelled, "OK, everybody back away. He needs some air!"
I was shouting now: "But, you know, as mayor, and then as governor and even as a vice president, if I'm so privileged to serve, wouldn't be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today."
Here's the point: I'm tired of pretending Palin isn't a moron. She is a moron. She's dumber than a sack full of hammers. She's a phony who has fooled Alaskan voters because, well, Alaska is the most beautiful place on Earth but, just between us, it's Alaska, where, unless they've changed the laws recently, caribou are legally entitled to vote.
(In 1986, I think it was, the voters sent a fat, angry wolverine with a severe personality disorder to Juneau as a state representative, which we could laugh at if not for Doug Bruce.)
So anyway, we have John McCain whom I can no longer look at because that bulge on his left cheek is going to grow an arm and start waving at me and he seems sane enough, but then, boom, out of nowhere he reaches into Alaska and pulls out Palin and introduces her as "our next vice president."
I thought he was kidding. I thought by the end of that week, McCain would go on TV and say "Gotcha!" and parade out his real choice, Mike Huckabee of Arkansas, who would look as happy as he did the day his family got indoor plumbing (June 8, 2006).
And I thought Palin, who surely was in on the joke, would mush the huskies back to Caribouville and continue teaching her 17-year-old unmarried daughter, Bristol, about the joys of sexual abstinence until Bristol's water broke.
But Jesus H. Christ ... Sarah stayed! McCain wasn't kidding! And if you believe her answers in the debate with Joe Biden were her own thoughts, well, you probably also believe Mr. Ed actually talked.
Now an Alaskan legislative probe has concluded she abused her power. She and fellow Republicans interpret the ruling, of course, as saying she did not abuse her power. (Phil Kenny of Colorado Springs, in a letter to the Denver Post: "I swear, Sarah Palin could be a pedophile and some Republicans would blame the kids!")
So now, nearing the election McCain-Palin will not win in large part because The Stable One picked a dumbed-down version of Martha Stewart as his running mate our loyal, local Republican politicians have to be swallowing their own tongues.
Because while Larry Liston, Bob Gardner, Andy McElhany, Doug Lamborn, Kent Lambert, Wayne Williams and the other GOP pompom-wavers of our good ol' boys club are smiling, holding McCain-Palin signs and saying "Oh boy!" you know, deep down inside, they're thinking, "Oh shit!"