Columns » Ranger Rich

Trauma strikes in 80906(5)


In just a few weeks, a monumental change will rattle across the Broadmoor neighborhoods of our village (motto: "Our Guatemalan Cabana Boys Can Beat Up Your Guatemalan Cabana Boys").

It will be a transition of mind and spirit not seen in these neighborhoods since 1982, when the head of the National School Lunch Act reclassified white Umbrian truffles from vegetable to edible fungi. That stunning move caused confused and despondent lunch ladies to leap from school cafeteria windows, some of them landing awkwardly on the putting greens below.

Now it's another branch of the government grabbing the Broadmoor-area folks by the lapels of their silk House of Givenchy blouses (those are just the men) and shaking.

The U.S. Postal Service, in a move designed to make its employees have to work even less, if that's humanly possible, will on July 1 yank the cherished 80906 ZIP code from many Broadmoor-area homes and replace it with the working-class 80905. The area currently includes neighborhoods closer to the downtown area. This has created a lot of questions from the nervous Broadmoor folks. One example: "Colorado Springs has a downtown area?"

Today, in an effort to calm the frayed nerves of people losing their claim to the snooty 80906, we have brought in Mr. Answer Person to field questions.

Q: Our servant Eduardo says he will need 12 weeks to pack for the move. He says the martini glasses alone will take most of July. Can we apply for an extension, and if not, who do we sue? Muffy on Lake Avenue

Mr. Answer Person: You will not actually be moving. Only your ZIP code will change. Instead of being in 80906 you will, after July 1, be in 80905.

Q: Is there a good Range Rover repair center in the new place where we'll be living? I like the way my mechanic, Raul, adjusts my headlights, if you know what I mean. Muffy again

Mr. Answer Person: Muffy, listen. You will not be moving anywhere. Raul can still fiddle with your headlights, because you're not going away. You'll live in the same house you're in now.

Q: Oohhh. Now I get it. That's a relief. So, who will pay to move our house to the new area, and can we bring our in-ground pool? Muf

Mr. Answer Person: Oh, shut the hell up. Who's next?

Q: My skin is so tight from all the facelifts that when I pat myself on the cheeks, it sounds like a Jamaican bongo band. Kathieyee on Lake Avenue

Mr. Answer Person: Uh, Kathie ... did you have a question?

Q: Nope. Just blurting stuff out because I'm on Zoloft. I also have muscle stiffness and twitching, drowsiness, nausea, excessive sweating and ... I'll be right back ...

Mr. Answer Person: Hello? Kathieieiyeyeei! Are you still there? Hello ...?

Q: (Fifteen minutes later) And diarrhea.

Mr. Answer Person: Does anyone have any real questions about this postal change?

Q: Yes. Why did it happen?

Mr. Answer Person: I posed that question to Ron Perry, the Colorado Springs Post Office customer relations coordinator. His answer: "Next window, please."

Just kidding, of course. Ron works endless hours and gave this explanation:

"The ZIP code realignment will greatly help the Postal Service manage the growth in delivery addresses and mail volume for this area. We will be able to process the mail for these areas much more efficiently using our postal automation equipment and address system."

Put more simply, once this new system is in place, you should be getting that letter any day from a dear relative detailing how his unit is currently pinned down by Otto von Bismarck's relentless Prussian cannon fire.

We have time for one more question ...

Q: When we move from 80906 to 80905 (sound of breaking glass) ... sorry, but just saying that caused me to drop a $4.5 million Ming dynasty vase. Good thing I wasn't holding the good one. Anyway, after the change, will our friends who get to stay in 80906 even look at us anymore?

Mr. Answer Person: Sure they will. Right down their noses.

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