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The year that won't be



Tis the season for solipsistic cultural reflection and other forms of pointless and/or charitable self-indulgences, not to mention predictions. Therefore I've invited colleagues John Dicker and Brian Arnot to join me in assembling what we hope will become a part of your many superfluous annual holiday traditions: The Year That Won't Be. (Just an excuse to make up our own Funyun headlines, of course.)

World Politics

Cowed by the papier-mch effigies wielded by anti-war protesters, Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rice back down on Iraq.

In another attempt to prove that he's not racist, Sen. Trent Lott puts on "one hell of a minstrel show" in black face before the entire Congress.

Local Politics

El Paso County Commissioners rescind plans to build courthouse in front of Pioneers Museum and begin construction on Tom Huffman's lawn.

City Manager Lorne Kramer and CSPD spokesman Lt. Skip Arms announce that they'll "go gay" to take advantage of the city's new domestic partner benefits.

Ed Jones ceases aging, muttering "My Precious." "Ring of Power will in no way affect my command of the Uruk-Hai," he claims.

City Councilman James Null adopts the following slogan for his mayoral campaign: Mayor Null -- Your Voice for Ambivalence!


Though it's possible to clone a sheep, it's much more satisfying to make one from scratch, says Martha Stewart.


After giving up the "the sticky icky," Snoop Dogg releases self-help book titled Gin and Juice for the Soul.

While the trend among teeny-bopper celebs like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera in 2002 was to insist that media perceive them as the adults that they'd like to believe they now are, Dick Clark announces that he will neither live nor die in 2003 but remain, as he is now, simply undead. No comment from Keith Richards.

Once he sees how disturbing most Americans actually look without their clothes, Nelly recalls "Hot in Herre" single.

Local Journalism

In a fit of discipline, Gazette columnist Rich Tosches will resist blatant rip-offs from the Independent -- like Teflon references and song lyrics -- realizing that, while imitation is the best form of flattery, sometimes you should think up stuff by yourself.

In an attempt to bring staff photos up to date, Gazette inadvertently reveals that all their columnists are white, middle-aged, male and balding. (Wait, didn't that already happen?)

Arts & Entertainment

Poets published in The New Yorker and Poetry Magazine sign lucrative government deals to "bore the hell out of terrorists."

Blockbuster Video announces it will "take the customer's word for it."

Prompted by recent state and city cuts in arts funding, the Fine Arts Center announces that it will change its name to the "Pretty Good, But Not Extremely Fine Arts Center."

After successfully leading a campaign to ban raves from the City Auditorium, City Councilwoman Judy Noyes is banned from her own bookstore for censoring freedom of speech.

In a last-ditch effort to raise money to keep the Beidleman Environmental Center open, City Manager Lorne Kramer signs a deal with Fort Carson to allow the military to use it for bombing practice.

With the toilet bowlshaped fountain in place and the drought forcing the city to use gray water to run it, the newly renamed Effluence Park has yet to have a visitor.

Uncle Wilbur denies all allegations.

Few casualties as local music scene "blows up."

Magic FM turns out to be nothing more than sleight of hand.

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