Columns » The Review

The Review

If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing right



The mustache -- perhaps the trickiest of all facial hair maneuvers. When done correctly, it conveys the laid back, live-and-let-live demeanor of a man comfortable with every aspect of himself -- aside from his upper lip. You see, mustache and man must connect on more than a base level -- they must become symbiotic. Yet sadly, the majority of the mustachioed population has shirked the responsibilities that are inherent with such a privilege.

Gone are the days of the dense handlebar and gleaming lip fringe, replaced instead by the thin layer of peach fuzz made infamous by prepubescent boys, indie film criminals, dog track bookies and James Woods in Casino. These thin and laughable attempts at lustrous furrows of hair, when unsuccessful, leave those who must survey the damage uneasy and often disgusted. A poorly produced (or maintained) mustache can singularly transform a gentleman into a weasel. Is it any wonder then that instead of igniting the imagination and instilling pride in all who behold it, the modern mustache has found it's way into such ill repute?

Men of low testosterone; Be rid of your mocking, insufficient facial hair. It is an abomination -- a slap in the face of all that is good, true and right about the well-kept mustache. Use wax, or electrolysis, or whatever else you deem necessary to render your follicles incapable of even the faintest of 5 o'clock shadows. By doing this, you may regain your sense of self-respect. You may even find forgiveness from friends, loved ones, and maybe, just maybe, the men that pioneered the look you have cannibalized, men that wore the mustache as it was intended -- with aplomb, gusto and grit.

Add a comment

Clicky Quantcast