Columns » Ranger Rich

The joke's on Bush



President Bush has been very gracious regarding Barack Obama. He said Obama offers hope to the nation. And I thought this was nice: He actually went shopping with Laura and personally picked out the bag he's going to leave Obama holding.

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The president was on CNN for one last hard-hitting interview with Larry King before packing up and trying to find his way back home to Texas. King asked the president if he personally lost money in the stock market. Bush said he has no idea because all his money is in a blind trust managed by a Nigerian prince who's about to collect a huge inheritance.

Those jokes are stolen, though most people in our sleepy village would never know. They don't stay up late enough to see Jimmy Kimmel Live! on ABC.

Today, in honor of the administration that stole eight years of our lives and our nation's dignity, we bring you a sampling of the humor generated by some 2,920 days of the Bush administration. All of it stolen.

(If you think it unfair not to give credit to the famous comedians David Letterman, Tina Fey, Jay Leno, Bill Maher and Kimmel who paid their staffs of writers to come up with this stuff, well, I think Dick Cheney himself would, as he has done so many times, utter these kind and gentle words: "Go f*ck yourself!")

After Bush appeared with a noticeable lump beneath his jacket during a 2004 debate with John Kerry: We still don't know what the deal is with that thing in Bush's back, but if God has a sense of humor it's something that can only be cured with stem-cell research.

Also about that lump in the back of his coat: Rumors are flying that he had a special radio receiver and he was getting answers from someone off stage. Wow, it's like he's back at Yale.

Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track than Americans say our country is on the right track. Boy, there's a campaign slogan for you: America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House today. They were looking around for Bush's military records and found some old Al Gore ballots.

President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the War on Jobs.

Dick Cheney was in the hospital again this week, complaining of discomfort in his legs. His doctor asked him if he stretches and he said, "Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein."

About the list of Cheney's demands for his hotel suite. Here's the detail I found most interesting: "All the TVs must be turned to FOX News. God forbid he walks into the room and the TV is on another channel and he finds out what a shitty job he's been doing."

After Cheney accidentally shot his friend in the face a friend who then apologized for putting his face in the way during a bird hunt: There's a little discrepancy about what happened. The woman who owns the ranch says there was no alcohol involved, but Cheney said he had one beer. Apparently, Dick Cheney can't keep his shotgun, his story or his daughter straight.

How powerful a man do you have to be to shoot a man in the face and have that person say, "My bad?"

Cheney and his buddies are down there hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And there are reports now that they're hiding in a mountainous region near Pakistan.

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry. But now I just feel kinda sad for him, the way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin.

Here now, the final stolen joke.

Rumsfeld and Cheney got a full endorsement from President Bush. That's like Curly and Larry getting a vote of confidence from Moe.

That joke was leaked by trusted White House adviser Karl Rove. He said it made Bush laugh so hard he briefly stopped dragging the saw over Rumsfeld's head, and Cheney took advantage of the lull by poking the president in the eyes.

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