Ordinarily, there's no reason to look beyond our village for exciting things to write about. City Council shuts off our street lights one week. Queen-worshipping local celebrity Ed Bircham has his pointy white hood dry-cleaned the next week.
But suddenly a woman in Florida crashes her car while shaving her love patch en route to her boyfriend's house (police: "She said she wanted to be ready for the visit") as her ex-husband holds the steering wheel, and then two Bulgarian men engage in light-hearted drunken Samurai sword play and a weenie gets lopped off and, well, what's a journalist to do?
(The answer, of course, is that I have no idea. My education consists of a 12-week online air-conditioning repair course and three weeks at golf school.)
Anyway, let's start by meeting Megan Barnes of Florida, a woman who apparently — to use the acceptable forestry term — had not cleared the vegetation from around her house. And so, while driving to Key West to meet her boyfriend for an afternoon romp, Megan decided she wanted to look more presentable. And by that I mean her, uh, you know, her shrubbery.
So she asked her ex-husband, Charles Judy, who was in the passenger seat — and later we'll discuss the merits of having your ex-husband in the car as you trim your personal shrub on the way to your boyfriend's house — to hold the steering wheel.
Then Megan got busy, lifting her skirt and using the razor to, as they say at Pebble Beach, "mow the fairway." The landscaping was going along just fine until a driver ahead of them in a pickup truck slowed to make a right-hand turn.
Megan, who was operating the gas pedal and the brake pedal while weed-whacking the front yard, if you know what I mean, on her way to see her boyfriend (the lucky bastard), didn't notice the pickup.
And you know how aggravating it is when you have your skirt up around your eyes as you use a razor to groom your personal ground squirrel in the driver's seat of a 1995 Ford Thunderbird while your former husband steers from the wrong seat and then you smash into another vehicle?
That's what happened to Megan.
After the crash she stomped on the gas and ordered her ex-husband to steer away from the scene. And off they went, two people who once vowed to honor and cherish each other, speeding down the street, one with a partially shaved marmot and the ex-hubby wondering when exactly their love had died.
The car stopped down the road. Megan jumped into the backseat. The ex slid into the driver's seat and told police he was driving when the car crashed. But he had airbag marks on his face and only the passenger-side airbag had been deployed.
"She jumps in the back seat and he moves over," said Florida state trooper Gary Dunick. "It was like the old comedy bit, 'Who's on first?'"
That was a reference to a 1945 Abbott and Costello routine. Costello, as a historic footnote, enjoyed shaping his pubic hair into a likeness of Teddy Roosevelt, although it's possible that I'm making that up.
Megan was taken to jail.
Meanwhile, in Bulgaria, Zaprian Lozanov, 61, and his pal, Lyubomir Todorov, 43, had spent a recent day drinking when Todorov decided to take an ornamental sword off the wall of Lozanov's house and wave it around.
Which sounds funny, of course. Until someone loses a Johnson.
"He told me he was a martial arts expert," Lozanov told police. "He was whizzing the sword around his head." (Anatomical footnote: Speaking of whizzing, Lozanov will no longer be doing any in the traditional way.)
He continued: "I went to try to take the sword and he slashed it in front of me. I thought he'd missed but then I felt a burning pain and I collapsed. He'd sliced the sword through my trousers and lopped off my penis."
Well, that's about it. I hope we've learned a lesson today about playing with sharp objects around the crotchal or groinage regions.
Oh, and feel free to make your own joke about Megan Barnes.
Although I strongly suggest getting the phrase "George W. Bush" into the punchline.