- Brandon Soderberg
- “Matriarch melted through me, beginning on my lips and under my eyes...”
If you aren’t enduring pretty much all-encompassing, occasionally debilitating depression like, all of the time, it might be hard to understand it, so let me try to describe how it feels: It’s sort of like you’re stumbling around in the dark except for a flashlight that illuminates just a few feet in front of you, so that’s all you can really consider because anything beyond the immediate is inconceivable... you’re just trying to scrape by, and more than that might be too much anyway. Oh and also, the light in front of you, guiding you along inch by inch, is always threatening to go out for good and sometimes it even flickers out for a moment and you get a glimpse of total darkness.
And the other thing is often big, bad feelings begin as small inconsequential things and depression and anxiety can make you spiral. But even Twitter, that black hole of bad faith, didn’t get to me while smoking Matriarch. To explain, I smoked some and spotted a really dumb political opinion on Twitter that I really wanted to respond to and even typed out two words — “Look man” — and then stopped, didn’t send, and clicked the browser closed. I saw into the immediate predictable future if I fired off that tweet — the long tail of arguing that would happen if I hit send and that it wouldn’t go anywhere and would be the sort of thing where I would wake up the next day and see more responses and that would be the first thing I see in the morning because you know, I wake up, I turn my alarm off, and I open up Twitter — why?
I felt dumb and proud to have avoided a mildly destructive decision. Meanwhile, Matriarch melted through me, beginning on my lips and under my eyes and then on through to my teeth — this is a heady high but also a body high where the part of your body most affected is your head. I got to thinking about how I needed to change the address on my driver’s license. So I did that online, except it didn’t work. Somehow my new address isn’t in the system, so I tried a few varied versions and none of them worked. I wasn’t mad. I was frustrated but hey, I would deal with this another day and that seemed like a totally fun half-hour of time not wasted. What kind of weed makes you complete bullshit tasks rather than procrastinate? Maybe this is what being not-depressed, or happy, or content, or plain OK even is like, I realized (that cannabis-assisted meta-thinking didn’t go away)? Not dwelling. Not spiraling. Finishing tasks or at least trying to finish them. Focusing. Keeping things moving along relatively undaunted.
Nose: A pine air freshener that you wiped your sweaty armpit with
Existential dread: 2
Freaking out when a crazy person approaches you: 1
Drink pairing: Crown Royal
Music pairing: Lester Young with The Oscar Peterson Trio, The President Plays
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