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Strain review: L.A. Chocolate

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This strain has the potential to creep you out with its aggravated blandness. - BRANDON SODERBERG
  • Brandon Soderberg
  • This strain has the potential to creep you out with its aggravated blandness.
Anticipate a blank but head-blown buzz from this creepy, calming combination of L.A. Confidential and Chocolope. After smoking some, I grabbed my keys and put them in my back pocket where I usually put my phone and put my phone in my front pocket where I usually put my keys and got very confused about how to lock the door of my apartment. When I bought a few things at a 7-Eleven, I placed all of the items on the counter, barcode facing the person at the register, reflexively returning to my own time working a register 15 years ago, feeling in my own weird way, institutionalized. Walking the dog at midnight, I saw four men in the distance, all security guards, all with their hands in their pockets adopting a wider, more determined stance than usual and I assumed some grim Trumpian coup had kicked in since I last checked Twitter.

Maybe L.A. Chocolate is more of a daytime weed — a heavy-duty daytime weed. One you can use to be both very high and pretty productive. Night, I think, the literal darkness and even just the sense that most of the day is over so a certain calm takes over, can make this strain screw with you.
But jeez Louise, explain to me please what is with the names of these strains lately? Just a couple weeks ago there was Bordello and now we’ve got L.A. Chocolate, the name of some C-level hair metal band or a very sad, possibly racist ‘80s porno — especially because sometimes this strain spells “Chocolat” like that, ooh fancy. There’s that thing that they credit to J.R.R. Tolkien about how “cellar door” is an especially beautiful phrase or whatever and OK sure man if you say so I dunno, never read any of those books — I’m just not that kind of stoner, OK — but I thought of it because “L.A. Chocolate” is an especially sleazy phrase. And I thought about what linguist Zellig Harris said in his book Structural Linguistics about the word “blueberry” and the infinite loop of linguistic clarity and confusion it enables: “The meaning of blue in blueberry might be said to be the meaning of blueberry minus the meaning of berry.” Well here, you put those words next to one another and the “L.A.” describes the “chocolate” and the “chocolate” describes the “L.A.,” and it all just connotes something sordid, icky, off.

Pretentious weedheads will describe L.A. Chocolate’s smell and taste in terms of “notes” or “complexity,” but really it’s a kind of aggravated blandness — something or other mixing lemon, lime and pine followed by a whiff of a convenience store candy bar. Long after you’ve smoked though the scent pays off and there is a rewarding cocoa smell hanging in the air, like you left a bowl of half-eaten Cocoa Puffs in your sink — the milk turned an almost fascist brown — for a few days and it is gently scenting the room.

Strength: 8
Nose: Cocoa Puffs in a bowl of Lime LaCroix
Euphoria: 7
Existential dread: 7
Freaking out when a crazy person approaches you: 5
Drink pairing: Lime LaCroix
Music pairing: Boy Harsher’s “Country Girl”
Rating: 7

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