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Strain review: Bordello

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Ready for a good moral scouring? - BAYNARD WOODS
  • Baynard Woods
  • Ready for a good moral scouring?
Unless you are actually a sex worker going for some new marketing, it’s probably not a good idea to christen your strain with a slightly archaic word for a brothel. I mean, it’s hard to know what you were intending, but almost all of the associations are either sexist or sexual in all the worst and most mechanical ways. I guess the best association you could hope for would be some louche Toulouse-Lautrecian green fairy Moulin Rouge rêverie. Mostly the name reminds you that the buds smell like a mix of sweat, money and urine. And, dammit, then you are as likely to think of Brett Fucking Kavanaugh and Devil’s Triangles and boofing as you are some impressionist adventure. If you grow this weed and you want women to smoke it, how many do you think bought a bud named bordello during those horrible hearings. During this era in general where the horrible and abusive details of male desire come out every day, why make your average dispensary shopper think such a thing by naming it after a temple to that desire?

Now, I know, brothels and sex work in general can be empowering to women and I don’t want to judge them at all, and if a woman grew and named this bud because it would secretly be a way to siphon money away from all the dude-bro weedheads that use their dank nugs as a pickup line — then you rule. Those Sublime-listening douches are probably going to buy it up and burn it down with their friends joking about phallic bongs and hairy bushes.

Because of its illegality, weed was long the province of pervy dealers — not all dealers! — whose apartments women would have to go to in order to secretly score. If you’re a man in the weed industry, you need to help it move beyond that bullshit. While weed itself is far more reflective than inhibition-lowering alcohol, the high school stoner party could be every bit as creepy as Kavanaugh’s keggers.

Because of the name, it is hard to even describe the way the weed looks without feeling like I am writing porn captions. Take this, from Leafly, for example: “Bordello’s flowers will be loose with some curly leaves.”

This weed, despite the name, or perhaps because of it, is actually pretty decent for dealing with your own evil shit, if you’re a guy. It’s an interesting hybrid, which PotGuide describes in hilarious detail as “Blackberry Apocalypse x TRC Alexis F2 pollen.” The shoulders droop at just the moment the feverish flow of thoughts starts to roll. It encourages the kind of reflective moral scouring we need, the searching of our own pasts to root out the violence, the entitlement, the thoughtlessness, and the attitude that turns women into commodities to be acquired or conquered rather than individuals who have their own ambitions and erotic aspirations.



You’ll, rightly, hate yourself. But it also has just enough of a salve to make it all bearable, to keep you from ripping your own face off or flinging yourself down and just giving up. If you’re willing, it could help you do the difficult work of owning up to your own privilege. But not with that name. If we change the name of strains to protect the interests of children and corporations, surely we can find a better name for this otherwise decent strain.

Strength: 6
Nose: Piss, money and old sweat
Euphoria: 7
Existential dread: 6
Freaking out when a crazy person approaches you: The crazy person is you
Drink pairing: $80 glass of watered-down cheap champagne
Music pairing: “Lady Marmalade,” by Lil’ Kim, Missy Elliott, Christina Aguilera, Mýa, Pink — played backward
Rating: 2 (change the name)

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