Columns » Ranger Rich

So right, it's wrong

Ranger Rich



Today, with a gubernatorial primary vote looming ominously over us, to use the old expression, "like Al Gore's hand over a masseuse's buttocks," let's look at what has become a Republican and American Constitution Party sack race for governor. (After the sack race, let's wander past the horseshoe pit and the picnic table to the apple-bobbing tank. There we will find candidate Tom Tancredo smiling and wearing a Border Patrol ball cap as he holds Maria Garza-Montoya's head under the water.)

Anyway, during this discussion about the Republican and ACP candidates for governor you might hear the sound of rustling fabric. Do not be alarmed. It's only Democrat John Hickenlooper and his wife picking out new drapes for the governor's mansion, you know, just on the faint chance that he wins.

Here now, the conservative candidates:

Scott McInnis. Was the clear-cut GOP favorite until he got snagged by the Denver Post in a startling plagiarism scandal involving an essay about water that he stole from a real writer. Suspicions were aroused by McInnis' opening sentence: "Call me Ishmael." He has continued campaigning as if nothing happened, telling voters, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." (On Sunday, McInnis addressed a bewildered crowd in La Junta with his "I Have a Dream" speech.)

Dan Maes. Nice guy, staunch Republican. Believes he is running for "mayor of Connecticut." As recently as last week — I am not kidding — he thought the Colorado governor writes the state budget. (It is actually written, in accordance with the Colorado constitution, by seven munchkins who ride down from the clouds on the back of Domitri the Flying Budget Hamster.)

• And then there's Tancredo, a great American and highly respected statesman who is known among Hispanic people as la politico gibsez melo ("the Mel Gibson of politicians").

Tancredo, the American Constitution Party candidate, is a former U.S. congressman, sent to Washington for five terms by astute Colorado Republican voters who believe that while we are indeed the laughingstock of the nation, at least we're a laughingstock with towering mountains that provide us with our favorite sport: climbing partway up then slipping, hurting ourselves and using our iPhones to frantically summon help.

Tancredo the great diplomat is best known for suggesting a few years back that we should bomb Mecca, the most holy Islamic city that was actually visited in the seventh century by the prophet Muhammad about two weeks before he defeated Sonny Liston for the heavyweight title, as best I recall.

Footnote: If that insensitive joke offended anyone who might be thinking of making a loud explosion-type thing happen at my home, I hereby apologize profusely and also point out that I'm temporarily living with anti-tax crusader Doug Bruce at his house.

Tancredo made more friends in 2005 when in Miami, saying parts of that city resembled a Third World nation, although a lot of people in the crowd thought he had said "bird world vacation" because his voice was muffled by the white hood. (He usually wears the hood only when he's alone or at Colorado Republican Party meetings. He adds the robe at Tea Party gatherings.)

Tancredo also wants to build a fence along the entire U.S.-Mexico border. Nothing elaborate. Just the kind they built in Jurassic Park to keep the Tyrannosaurus rex from eating people. Alas, even with that fence, the T-rex ate the lawyer, which made him so sick he went extinct again.

So Tancredo has now thrown his Border Patrol hat into the ring with the American Constitution Party, which is like a Mensa club without any of the smart people. Here are a few of the actual ACP positions:

• Repeal the Voting Rights Act of 1965. See "white hood" above.

• Abolish the Department of Education. ACP argument: If we's ain't a-usin' it, why's does we even haves it?

• End mandatory school attendance. See "If we's ain't a-usin' it" above.

• Retake the Panama Canal. As I understand it, Tancredo would then fill the canal with apples and invite everyone from Central America and Mexico to the picnic.

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