Naturally, many are wondering how the wonderful new health-care plan was worked out.
Here’s my guess:
The place: Closed-door meeting of Republican big-shots, heavily guarded.
Paul Ryan: Settle down, everyone. Now we’re agreed on what to call our new plan, TrumpDon’tCare. Now what?
Steve Bannon (goose-steps into the room, past the guards): Ach, mein friends, TrumpDon’tCare will be the best plan in the history of the universe, except Canada’s, and I instructed Donald to tweet that. It’s wunderbar! I also told him to tweet that Mary Tyler Moore operated a whorehouse in Tijuana between acting gigs.
Ryan: That’s totally outrageous.
Bannon: Ya, so what? The outcome is distraction from what we’re actually doing with health care, the president’s hugely destructive Cabinet picks, and all the rest. It will cause a flurry of consternation, a call for subpoenas and hubbub across the board. When this one about Mary is discredited, we’ll fictionalize another tweet. It’s easy!
Doug Lamborn, quivering in a corner: Don’t make me say or do anything, unless it’s a vote to increase military spending, even though I know we already have a gold-plated military, with a budget bigger than the next biggest eight military budgets of other countries combined. Let me keep my cushy job until election time when I refuse to debate. Meantime, I’m refusing to meet with constituents in town hall meetings, heaven forbid.
Sen. Cory Gardner: Amen to that! I’m refusing also to meet personally with voters in town halls. They would tear me a new tush!
Senate Leader McConnell: Why does everyone keep saying I look like a deer in the headlights? I single-handedly engineered Trump’s victory. I might look confused, but I’m not!
Ryan: I’m sending Kellyanne Conway out to give the alternative twist to the press. Let’s break for lunch. Same time tomorrow.
— Larimore Nicholl, Colorado Springs
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