I truly have seen it all. First was an advertisement in the city's daily newspaper, which informed us of the latest breakthrough in menswear:
For that slob in your life, try Teflon-coated pants!
That's right. The same folks who revolutionized the frying pan have taken the clothing industry by storm, redefining the old adage of letting life just roll right off of you. The Teflon-coated pants are available at Dillard's Department Store for $36 in four different styles.
Never again will your man be caught with egg stuck to his trousers -- or spilled red wine or mustard for that matter.
In the category "so embarrassing I can't believe they actually issued an actual press kit for it, complete with CD and free sample," may we present to you an exciting new product -- a true breakthrough in female orgasmic delight!
It's femor! (Rhymes with amor.) This little tube of cream is coming to a store and TV commercial near you. It's sure to, if Oklahoma Citybased manufacturer American Health Diagnostics has its way, result in a sexual revolution the likes of which we haven't seen since the '60s.
Their press kit, which arrived in a purple folder with billowy white clouds, promises that femor "was designed to help women who seek greater intensity and pleasure during intimate moments."
According to the directions, you just rub a little of it on your private parts, and within moments you're ready to go.
The press kit actually included this reminder: "What women -- and their partners -- need to remember is that these types of products are tools to help boost the female's physical response. These aren't quick fixes for a woman battling depression or who is upset with her husband."
And just what's in this love-potion-in-a-tube? Purified water, L-Arginine (the same stuff that's in Viagra), propylene glycol, glycerin, hydroxyethyl cellulose, theophylline, acetic acid, methylparaben, propylparaben and plain old menthol!
All that was missing was a somber testimonial from Elizabeth Dole ...
There was a time that these kinds of products -- if they existed -- were kept in dignified fashion behind the pharmacist's counter.
We miss those days.
Moving on, a few weeks back we devoted this space to that fun phenomenon known as Mondegreens -- misunderstood and mangled lyrics that are far more common than we think.
A few readers wrote in with their all-time classics.
"When I was younger, I could have sworn that Phil Collins' song that said 'I've been talking to Jesus all my life' was really 'I've been talking 'bout Cheezits all my life,' " admitted Springs resident Madeline Couper.
Eric Cole, a local senior claims analyst, recalled, "When I was a kid, Bachman Turner Overdrive's 'Takin Care of Business' was a Top 10 hit. I overheard one of my classmates singing 'Takin' care of Christmas' on the bus one day and it has stuck with me ever since."
In a Billy Joel song, Indy reader Marguerite Lindsay admits to having misunderstood the line where he sings, "I'm saving it all for later." Instead, she heard, "I'm saving it all for Lana."
"I always wondered if Billy Joel did that on purpose, as the misunderstanding still made the song work," said Lindsay. "Actually I think it worked better than the real words."
Her funniest misinterpretation of song lyrics came after watching the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.
"I turned to my date and said, "It is great how they changed the song words to make it work for them!" Lindsay said. "[My date] looked at me dumbfounded. I said, in the song 'Do it like a lady,' they changed the words to, 'Dude looked like a lady' in the movie.
"I still remember dancing at a work function and singing out as loud as I could, 'Na na na na, Do it like a lady...' "
How about this classic, from Bob, who didn't want his last name used.
"When my sister was about 6 years old, she was taking a catechism class in Catholic school. My mother would ask her the questions from the book and my sister was supposed to recite the answers. Evidently my sister didn't read the book but was going from memory in the class.
Mother's question: "Who is God?" The answer, of course, was supposed to be 'God is the Supreme Being.'
My sister's answer: 'God is a string bean.' "
Just think of all the people who have spent centuries pondering that very question, when Bob's sister had the answer the whole time ...