We've been hearing about the threat of the Homosexual Agenda for many, many years. In dire warning after dire warning, everyone from Pat Robertson to Jerry Falwell to our own Colorado Springs pals, Focus on the Family prez James Dobson, car dealer Will Perkins and rumored future state senate candidate Kevin Tebedo have alluded to the homosexual secret plot to take over the world.
Silly us, we always thought they were being, well, a little bit paranoid. Well they weren't! Last week we got our hands on what has been one of the most closely-guarded documents of the century -- and for any doubters out there, we got it directly from the head homosexual via e-mail.
Without further ado, here is the Homosexual Agenda:
6 a.m. -- Gym
8 a.m. -- Breakfast (oatmeal, egg whites and mimosas)
9 a.m. -- Hair appointment
10 a.m. -- Shopping (preferably at Nordstrom's or Saks)
12 p.m. -- Brunch
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. federal, state and local governments
2) Destroy all healthy marriages
3) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels
4) Bulldoze all houses of worship
5) Secure total control of the Internet and all mass media
6) Be fabulous
2:30 p.m. -- Mud mask and 40 winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest
4 p.m. -- Cocktails
6 p.m. -- Light dinner (soup, salad with romaine, radicchio, arugula and balsamic vinaigrette dressing, and Pouilly Fuisse)
8 p.m. -- Theater
10:30 p.m. -- "Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight."
12:00 a.m. -- Bed (du jour)
It's been almost a year since Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris went on their murder/suicide spree at Columbine High School. And the Denver dailies are still milking the story for all it's worth. In a copyrighted story this Sunday, the Denver Post detailed the nearly-completed report about what "really" happened that horrible day.
The paper also published a list of 10 "myths" surrounding the murder spree, including that blacks, Christians and jocks had been targeted (they weren't); that Harris and Klebold were members of the Trenchcoat Mafia (they weren't); and that the killers wore body armor, carried walkie-talkies and had keys to the school (no, no and no).
Anyway, on Monday the newspaper's irascible columnist Chuck Green responded to the Sunday piece with a vengeance. Under the heading "Secrets of bungled leadership," Green tore into Jefferson County Sheriff John Stone, and Columbine Principal Frank DeAngelis, accusing them of perpetuating all of the myths surrounding the murderers and their killing spree. "Until Sunday the 'myths' were allowed to perpetuate themselves," Green claimed.
Not so fast. While the sheriff and principal were gouged for spreading lies, Green unfortunately didn't bother to point out that major media outlets -- from the Washington Post to Time to Inside Edition to the Denver Post itself -- were just as responsible for perpetuating untruths surrounding the case.
Many of Columbine's myths were dispelled in an extensive article published last August by the Denver alternative weekly Westword -- "Doom Rules: Much of what we think we know about Columbine is wrong" by Alan Prendergast. So it's a little disingenuous for Green -- a day after his newspaper's cloaked admission of culpability -- to attack with such righteous indignation.
There have been some changes out at the Calhan-based Ranchland News ("Covering the Pikes Peak region since 1901") -- for the better. You'll recall that recently in this column, we detailed their coverage of the bitter infighting going on between El Paso County commissioners over the Department of Human Services and the issue of child services and foster care placement. The rural newspaper took an interesting approach to the story -- they opted to quote only commissioner Betty Beedy and her buddy Suzanne Shell, who is being investigated by the state for illegally practicing law without a license. And in the process, the newspaper reported that commissioners (who happen to be the archenemies of Beedy) were themselves the targets of an unidentified investigation.
To make a long story a little longer, the reporter, Alicia Shaffer, has resigned and has been replaced by hometown girl Jenni Renzelman. One needs to look no further than Renzelman's sizzling lead in the March 2 edition of the paper, a story about man who had threatened his landlord with a shotgun, to realize Renzelman knows her stuff:
"A 10-hour standoff west of Calhan ended peacefully Monday evening when police fired tear gas into the home of a man wielding a shotgun."
Just another quiet day in Calhan...