Columns » Outsider




This is one of those rare and wonderful times in American politics when both parties can contemplate the future with sunny optimism.

Republicans have only to look at our president. Does anybody remember that tongue-tied stumblebum who assumed office last year, thanks only to a compliant Supreme Court? Clearly, that guy was an imposter. Our president is a plainspoken leader, our commander-in-chief in a time of war, and 8 out of every 10 Americans are glad that he's in the Oval Office instead of whats-his-name with the beard.

Riding on his coattails, Republicans can confidently assume that they'll have a comfortable majority in both houses of Congress after the November elections. And then, of course, it'll be time to begin the work of straightening out America. At long last, the follies and excesses of the '60s will be purged from the body politic! No more anti-business tree-huggers, no more radical college professors, no more permissive judges, no more abortions on demand, no more pornography on TV and the Internet, no more underachieving public schools, no more arrogant government regulators ... Utopia, here we come!

Meanwhile, Democrats have only to look at Enron. Does anyone remember the sunny days of the dot-com boom, when Enron was the most admired company in the world? Clearly, that company was an imposter. Our new Enron is a den of thieves, Texas Republican conspirators enriching themselves by looting the pensions of ordinary Americans. This is right up there with Teapot Dome, or Watergate. It's a scandal that's gonna grow and grow and grow -- sure, everybody loves the prez, but thanks to the shredders, he's gonna be the only Republican left standing after this baby runs its course.

And besides, on all the important issues -- the environment, education, Social Security, health care -- the majority of Americans are with the Dems. Yessir, come November the Donkeys will retake the House, and retain the Senate, and good ol' George W. will have to dance to a Democratic tune, like it or not. No wonder Democrats are happy!

Here in the Centennial State, it's clear sailing for Colorado Republicans. True, the economy's a little flat, but most of us are doing just fine. Folks seem to be pretty pleased with our low-key governor, who has managed to paper over the divisions between moderates and conservatives. True, the scoundrelly Dems managed to take over the State Senate and, with the help of a bunch of liberal judges, put together an outrageously partisan reapportionment deal, but so what? This state is solidly Republican, and becoming more so every week, as fed-up conservatives flee California.

The enviros think that the people are on their side; they've got another think coming! All of those mush-brained activists that elected Lamm and Romer are mush-brained retirees by now -- grandmas learning to watercolor and balding guys with gray ponytails. Who cares what they think??!! Colorado's new congressperson will be a Republican!

Meanwhile, things are definitely looking up for the Democrats. Republican mismanagement of state finances is coming home to roost -- those crazy tax cuts will force the state to cut back where it hurts, and the people will know who to blame.

And as for the Dems, no more Mr. Nice Guy! Colorado Democrats took over the Senate and scuttled the outrageously partisan reapportionment deal that Republicans tried to force through. Thanks to the Dems, the majority of Coloradans -- fair-minded, moderate, sensible folks who want to protect our magnificent environment -- will have a voice in Colorado's new congressional district.

The Republicans think that the people are on their side; they've got another think coming! Time has passed by those crazies who run the GOP; they're just a bunch of cranky, mush-brained geezers and geezerettes. Who cares what they think??!! Colorado's new congressperson will be a Democrat!

And what if you are, like about one-third of voting Coloradans, an independent voter, unaffiliated with either major party? Nope, things don't look so great. Doesn't seem to matter who's elected; they're all in somebody's pocket. If they're not using their free tix to the taxpayer-subsidized Broncos or the taxpayer-subsidized Rockies, they're oinking down free food with the power people.

The Front Range used to be beautiful, but now it's a mess, with all the growth and sprawl. Traffic's bad and getting worse. You'd think the politicians could've done something besides fight with each other for the last 30 years -- what a bunch of mush-brained losers they all are!!

But who cares what they think? Guess Colorado's new congressperson will be just as bad as the rest of 'em ...


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