Columns » Ranger Rich

Now, the real Newsome story


There's been an uproar in our village, as you know, over a hidden-camera video showing our highly respected District Attorney John Newsome chugging a lot of beer and then driving back to his office.

There he filed criminal charges against people who chug a lot of beer and then drive. This behavior is best explained by the Hypocritical Oath taken by all lawyers and further clarified by Newsome himself with the complex legal term Duem whatt sayus non birpei duem, or, literally, "Do what I say, not what I (burp) do."

Newsome was elected DA in 2004 and in a rousing acceptance speech told his supporters, "Today, the votersshh haff speaken ... schpoked ... shhpaked ... aw, I dunno what the hell they did" before crushing a Budweiser can against his forehead and falling over the podium on his way to his car. He then spent three months reorganizing the DA's office, and by reorganizing I mean installing a urinal right next to his desk. He also brought in 14 pool tables and a mechanical bull for "casual Fridays."

Anyway, tipped by a concerned villager that Newsome was a regular at a downtown bar often during working hours one of our serious, professional TV news stations filled with experienced, mature journalists (motto: News, Weather and, Like, WhatEVER!) bought fancy surveillance cameras for the kids. Someone then taught them how to use the cameras after luring them out of the big room where they keep the hair spray and tooth-whitening strips.

A few days later, captured on dramatic video, there it was: Veteran KOAA anchorman Rob Quirk explaining to the station's wide-eyed new weekend guy, Jason, that the state of Montana was not named after Hannah Montana.

No, they actually got videos of Newsome in a bar, wearing a shirt and tie, gulping down beer after beer. Footnote: Newsome is seated and is only shown from the waist up. Therefore, in fairness to him and lacking any evidence to the contrary, we will hereby assume that he was, in legal terms, nonus trouserum ("without pants") and was possibly asking passing women if they wanted to see his subpoena ("small poena").

Newsome was accompanied on this liver-function, fact-finding trip by Assistant DA Amy Mullaney, who also drank several beers during the day because she's Irish.

Starting at 4:15 p.m. on a workday, here's what DA Newsome drank, according to KOAA:

Three 20-ounce beers and a 10-ounce beer in 89 minutes, with Newsome apparently believing he had somehow traveled to Munich for Oktoberfest. The 70-ounce festival of foam was followed by a trip to the men's room where, from 5:44 p.m. to 5:47 p.m., in legal terms, he pyssum likei Secretariato.

At this point Newsome got into his county-issued car and drove back to his office. Insiders said that despite having consumed all that beer, the DA used the time in his office to file an affidavit ("he has declared upon oath"), ponder a claim of contradictio in adjecto ("contradiction in terms") and Xeroxo his assei ("climbed onto the copy machine and made inappropriate Christmas cards").

Then it was off to another bar. He drove, of course, because cabs are for losers. This time, our DA drank four 16-ounce beers in an hour and 26 minutes, apparently storing the liquid in a big hump on his back. He had by now consumed some 135 ounces just shy of a half-case of beer. After that much, according to alcohol experts, a man of Newsome's size would struggle with simple tasks such as covering his county-owned vehicle with NASCAR stickers or correctly identifying any pro wrestlers.

The experts do believe, however, a man of Newsome's size could drink that much and still perform some tasks. An example would be sending an innocent person to prison because the DNA file that would have exonerated him was folded in half and stuffed under the wobbly leg of the DA's office pool table.

"I realize I need to be setting the standard for setting an example," Newsome said in an apology apparently written by a monkey. "That's what I'll strive to do."

He even begged for forgiveness by falling to his knees. Then the toilet seat fell and hit him on the back of the head.

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