Dear Mexican: Hey, I was wondering why it is that Mexicans are said to have low risk for heart attacks, considering they eat lots of beans, animal intestines and other strange foods like pig's feet and cow tongue? Could there be some mysterious magical healing power in all these strange cultural cuisines?
— Max Cherry Burger
Dear Gabacho: How is eating animal intestines, pig's feet and cow tongue "strange"? That's working-class food, whether you're Polish or Mexican, black or a good ol' boy from a Kentucky holler, and it's certainly better than the mainstream mierda gabachos eat. Another fact you got wrong: Mexicans as paragons of heart health. Maybe in el pasado, when we mostly ate cactus and human flesh, but that was a long time ago. Nowadays, no less an authority than the American Heart Association says on its website that Mexis "face even higher risks of cardiovascular diseases because of high blood pressure, obesity and diabetes" due to our newfound diet in the States and lack of exercise. And don't think this affliction is just a pocho thing, either; a 2010 American Heart Journal study by Benjamín Acosta-Cázares and Jorge Escobedo de la Peña titled "High burden of cardiovascular disease risk factors in Mexico: An epidemic of ischemic heart disease that may be on its way?" showed that the rate of Mexicans in Mexico dying of heart disease doubled between 1970 and 2000, just like rates of high blood pressure and diabetes (while still far lower than what's found in the U.S., the report also noted gabacho rates are going down, while ours rise like El Chapo's pito while thinking of Kate del Castillo). Fact is, Mexicans are dying a slow, obese, short-breathed death gracias to our new, Americanized eating patterns — call it Donald Trump's revenge.
Dear Mexican: Can you tell me if Eugenia is a popular name in Mexico?
— Clean for Eugene
Dear Gabacha: Maybe in 1902, when names such as Sabas, Fidencio, Adoración and Petra were all the rage, but certainly not today!
Dear Mexican: I've enjoyed reading your posts and typically find your responses insightful, even if I might not always agree with your view of history. However, when you replied to an admittedly hostile question about assimilation and the level of education, you completely dropped the ball. Not only did your snarky response fall flat (the randy racist spelled the word in question correctly in the message body of his email), but more importantly you missed a great opportunity to explain a stereotype that from many perspectives seems to be pretty legit. Did this one hit a little too close to home?
— Ad Hominem Attacks Are for Losers
Dear Gabacho: You're referring to a question that appeared a couple of weeks ago in the chingón Denver alt-weekly Westword that insisted Mexicans don't assimilate while referring to us as "beans" and "beaners," opining that I've got my "head up your ass" and concluding that Mexico is a "shithole country." And you're upset at me for dismissing his racism with a flippant remark? Sorry, but the Mexican's responses are based on the question posed. And, in your case, you get this: Vete a la chingada, pinche pendejo baboso inútil.
Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org. Be his fan on Facebook. follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or follow him on Instagram @gustavo_arellano!