As you might have heard, our village recently grabbed the No. 2 slot on a list of America's worst-dressed big cities. I was so outraged I could barely tuck my Paddle Faster I Can Hear Banjo Music T-shirt under my camo-pattern suspenders holding up my velour track suit pants so they didn't drag under my unlaced high-top sneakers — which almost made me late for my daughter's wedding.
And popular village mayor Steve Bach also reacted angrily to the list, getting his Fruit of the Loom old-man tighty-whitey undershorts in such a knot that he could hardly swing his leg to kick a volunteer in the ass.
The fashion list placed us behind only the nice folks in Wichita, Kan., and I think I speak for many here in our village when I ask, "Good Lord, what the heck do those people wear?" The answer, of course, is "homemade dresses from burlap seed sacks."
Also on the list, following Wichita and Colorado Springs, are:
• El Paso, Texas. (Fashion sense here calls for no-iron fabrics so your clothes don't get all wrinkled when you crawl back and forth under the fence.)
• Louisville, Ky. (As with all Kentucky towns, running shoes are popular so folks can sprint behind the mobile home when the copper 'tater mash still is about to blow up.)
• Tulsa, Okla. (My wife is from Tulsa and foolishly told me that in high school she made her own clothes. You'll never know about that, however, because she made me promise never to tell anyone.)
• Albuquerque. (Unlike their neighbors up the road in Santa Fe, Albuquerquians aren't bothered with superficial things like fashion — or art, culture, good restaurants and tourists.)
• Milwaukee, Wis. (People here favor something warm enough for the winter, such as an entire polar-bear pelt, and with enough room around the midsection for that 24th can of Pabst Blue Ribbon.)
So just who, you're wondering, compiled this worst-dressed list? Well, it was created by the blogging team at Movoto, a bunch of 20ish men and women whose greatest accomplishment seems to be getting called "prolific Novelty Real Estate bloggers" once. Last summer. By another blog.
From the worst-dressed blog's "About the Author" section: "Randy spent the last dozen or so years writing about video games for publications like ... Nintendo Power, but now he's decided to get 'serious.' That's why he's helping create a blog that wraps houses in bacon and explores the history of toilets."
Helping create a blog that wraps houses in bacon? I'm just wondering, when he says "bacon" does Randy mean, perhaps, "pot"?
Here are some of the other Movoto "real estate" blogger-people who helped produce and circulate the bloggy thing that says we dress poorly — direct from their site:
• "David Cross. Chief Writer and Content Producer of Much Awesome. A former journalist ... now enjoys writing about Batman, Market Trends and board games."
(Bet he spends a lot of much awesome time alone in the Bat Cave ... also known as his parents' basement.)
• "Nick Johnson. Public Relations Director ... he's also the dodge ball champion of Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines."
I only have his appearance in Movoto website photos to judge — we are judging people by their appearance, after all — and so I would imagine that other things Nick is really good at dodging are a good barber and dates.
• "Sally Olsson. Public Relations Associate. When she has a break she dreams about miniature pigs and eating ice cream."
Sally's colleague, Randy, said it takes the bacon from three miniature pigs to wrap a small house. Then he took another hit from the bong and fell face-first into the bowl of Cheetos.
Which caused chief writer David to skid down the street in his Batmobile (a bike) while Nick avoided another dodgeball and also avoided direct eye contact with his disappointed parents.
And we sure don't want respected professionals like that to think we dress funny.
Rich Tosches (firstname.lastname@example.org) also writes a Sunday column in the Denver Post.