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Marijuana review: Gray Haven

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I’m smoking a bougie apartment complex on the edge of the city with hella amenities; I’m smoking a charming supporting character with a mysterious past from an ’80s soap opera; I’m smoking a third-tier metal band signed to Metal Blade that opened for Fates Warning in 1986. I’m smoking Gray Haven, a mysterious weed strain, a Sativa I’m pretty sure, with a lithe smell.

Who knows really, because there’s no information about Gray Haven online and no one I know has heard of it and my contact told me it was “new.” He might be pulling my chain, but then again, I’m constantly asking him for what I’ve not already smoked, being a weed critic and all, and so I’m bound to end up with something in my bong and not a whole lot of information about it.

Or maybe, probably, my contact misunderstood or misheard his connect and perhaps this is some Heaven-related strain (there are many, including Blue Heaven, Heaven’s Gate, Heavenly OG, and so on) and he just spelled “Heaven” wrong on the baggie. Still, asking around about Gray Heaven yields no information either.

A weird weed for sure, Gray Haven’s got a molting, flexible high. Like transition lenses, it changes up, a deep pensive buzz inside, something more chillaxed when I leave the house. And Gray Haven’s dense smoke set off my fire alarm, which might be why it’s called Gray Haven, due to the massive gray cloud it left in my little apartment.

A few days later, still making my way through this dub of Gray Haven, I got some texts from an equally baffled friend who got some Gray Haven for himself. Apparently, Grey Havens is a Tolkien thing.

“Grey Havens is on the West Coast of the Middle Earth and it’s where the elves launch their boats from to go to the undying lands,” he texted. “After the Numenoreans (Atlanteans), under the influence of Sauron, attempted to invade the undying lands, the gods sunk their island, changed earth from a flat arrangement into a globe, and put their lands somewhere else, but the elves are permitted by their grace to travel the ‘straight road’ and apparently sail their boats through space to get there.”

He didn’t see any connection between the name and the strain, though: “I’m stumped tbh at no point did I feel like an elf at an idyllic harbor on that stuff but I can see how it would be good marketing to make people hope that they would.”

Strength: 7
Nose: Dirt right after a summer rain
Euphoria: 7
Existential Dread: 3
Freaking Out When Crazy Person Approaches You: 2
Drink Pairing: Tropicana’s watermelon juice
Music Pairing: Keydo Foolfunk, “Funklyfe 3: Rickjameshawty”
Rating: 7

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