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Man overboard


Even the Great Flood only lasted 40 days and 40 nights.

Yet here we are, 116 days and a really long winter later, still obsessed with Ted Haggard's obsessions.

This is what we have so far: Haggard is "completely heterosexual" after three weeks of therapy at an Arizona facility.

As if. Oh wait. Those three weeks actually were just "the launching point by which years of counsel and fruits of true repentance may be demonstrated.

"There should be no confusion that deliverance from habitual, life-controlling problems is a "journey' and not an "event,'" the Overseers in charge at New Life Church told the congregation last Sunday. "Ted will need years of accountability to demonstrate his victory over both actions and "tendencies."

Translation: You can't be "cured" in just three weeks of homosexuality, which is, according to the Overseers, sinful, habit-forming and a big problem. But you can try really, really hard not to be gay, and pray.

Years from now, we will still be checking up on Haggard and his sex life.

Also, remember that part of the letter Haggard wrote to his congregation right after he got canned, where he said, "There is a part of my life that is so repulsive and dark that I've been warring against it all of my adult life"?

Well, it turns out that his time with male escort Mike Jones was just the tip of the iceberg. Sunday, the Overseers reported their months-long investigation into Haggard's sex life turned up everything from "sordid conversation to overt suggestions to improper activities to improper relationships."

Translation: Pastor Ted was a busy, busy boy.

In related news:

The Overseers announced they "found a few staff members struggling with unrelated sin issues."

A few months back, another New Life Church pastor, Christopher Beard, was axed after admitting to some kind of sex with someone several years ago, before he was married.

Mike Jones plans to sell the "Haggard-was-here" massage table, where it all supposedly happened, on eBay and donate the proceeds to Project Angel Heart, which delivers food to people suffering from HIV/AIDS, cancer and other illnesses. Also, his tell-all book will be out this spring.

The geographic area of relocation for Ted and Gayle (and their children) has now widened. In addition to Missouri and Iowa, they are considering Minneapolis and the Phoenix area. Also, they will get $140,000 this year from the church.

How much more can we take? Well, if you ask the Overseers, we're all supposed to stay in this "Ark" for months possibly even a full year and 10 days from the day the Haggard flood started.

Think this is a joke? Here is what they told the congregation last Sunday:

"When God judged the world in the time of Noah, Noah's family entered the Ark. It was not until five months had gone by the waters began to decrease. It was after seven and a half months the first sign of the tops of the mountains appeared. It was not until one year and 10 days had gone by that Noah and his family exited the Ark.

"In a similar way, we see the exposure of your pastor [Haggard] as the moment of judgment. Five months from that day will be Easter ... seven and a half months will be Father's Day ... one year and 10 days will be Nov. 14. Our encouragement to you ... is, "Stay in the Ark.'"

In addition to Easter and Father's Day and St. Patrick's Day and Mother's Day and Purim and Memorial Day and the Fourth of July and Labor Day and the entire month of Ramadan and Yom Kippur and Halloween by Nov. 14 we will have navigated through elections for City Council, mayor and local school boards.

Yet, through it all, the Overseers expect us to stay on this ship, getting fuzzy updates about Haggard's sexual orientation, ostensibly while the animals get smellier and smellier, until the waters finally recede far enough and we can finally disembark?

It's enough to make anyone want to relocate.

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