Columns » Kenneth Cleaver

Kenneth Cleaver

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January 23, 2006

Mr. Dennis Cary

Senior Vice President of Marketing

United Airlines

1200 East Algonquin Road

Elk Grove Township, IL 60666

Dear Mr. Cary:

I recently flew from Denver to New York on one of your planes. There was little turbulence and we arrived safe so I can't complain. However, I'm wondering if you might entertain a suggestion.

One word: Astroglide. I'm sure you're familiar with it and agree it's an amazing lubricant. But have you considered the ways in which it would improve the passenger experience? Not only would you be able to cram more passengers in each row, but slicked down like circus seals, they'd have an easier time moving about the cabin. For instance, if you're seated by the window you could slither into the aisle to use the restroom. No one would have to get up. And forget about being trapped by the beverage cart.

I recognize that using an overtly adult product might seem a tad risqu, but consider this: One of Wal-Mart's biggest sellers in home and beauty products last year was Johnson & Johnson's KY massage oil. This fact has given me an excuse to use the expression Heartland Handjobs more times than I care to mention, but I think it proves that such items are no longer beyond the pale of mainstream consumer goods.

At any rate, I do hope you'll consider this idea. In closing, sign me up to grease me down.

Sincerely,

Kenneth Cleaver

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