Columns » Kenneth Cleaver

Kenneth Cleaver

Consumer Correspondent

November 27, 2005

Ms. Nan Graham



1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, NY 10020

Dear Ms. Graham:

I'm sorry to report that, once again, I've failed to produce a memoir.

While I began the year with so much inspiration, the creative process coupled with my own research soon revealed that I'm not an interesting person. Not even a little. Armed with this revelation, I spent 10 months pretending it was not true. Vodka was involved. So was the Landmark Forum. I will not discuss it further.

Do not fear. I'm redoubling my efforts and will devote 2006 to becoming an irreparably fascinating person in order to produce a riveting literary narrative by the close of 2007.

As memoirs often detail shocking deprivation, my parents have decided to help me. Starting Jan. 1, I no longer will have access to the family's BMW, and instead will be confined to a 1997 Honda Accord. I will have only limited use of my father's 40XR Learjet, and maid service will be reduced from twice weekly to bimonthly. Current amorous relations will be severed. Friends with benefits will find theirs drastically reduced, if not cut completely. There's even the possibility of employment.

My questions are as follows: Is there anything specific I can do to build my character, and provide a satisfying narrative arc? Do memoirs submitted for publication lack a sine qua non that I might procure during my year of enrichment? For example, should I concentrate more on picking fights with celebrities, or amassing inappropriate carnal relationships? I want my book to be on par with recent greats like Confessions of an Heiress by Paris Hilton, Goldie by Goldie Hawn and Tommyland by Tommy Lee.

Any advice you can offer would be most appreciated.


Kenneth Cleaver Read the Response.

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