Columns » Kenneth Cleaver

Kenneth Cleaver

Consumer Correspondent

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August 2, 2005

Mr. Cory Burnell

Chairman & President

Christian Exodus Inc.

P.O. Box 1401

Valley Springs, CA 95252

Dear Mr. Burnell:

I recently learned of your campaign to create a Christian Homeland in South Carolina and I want to do ANYTHING I can to help.

My understanding is that you believe America has become so inhospitable to Christians that only a separate state can provide a bulwark against militant secularism and its accompanying moral freefall.

I couldn't disagree more, but who cares? What's important is what we have in common, which is this: You don't want to live in the United States as it is, and I don't want you here, either. This is something we can build on!

South Carolina is a lovely state. I've heard Charleston's colonial architecture is something to behold. However, I'm quite willing to write it off as collateral damage in the culture war. It's not like you're asking for California.

Here's what I propose: Let me fundraise to defray the costs of relocating leading Christian theocrats to South Carolina. This will enjoy popular support in liberal left and libertarian circles. The possibility of putting Dr. James Dobson, Sen. Sam Brownback and other religious extremists on a one-way bus is enough to give me the vapors.

In fact, there's a word for this sort of thing where I come from; it's called progress. Please let me know how I can help.

Sincerely,

Kenneth Cleaver

September 2, 2005

Ms. Nicole Burnell

Christian Exodus

P.O. Box 1401

Valley Springs, CA 95252

Dear Ms. Burnell:

Many thanks for your response of August 15. I'm glad you appreciate my wit. However, I couldn't be more serious. Agreeing to disagree is progress, yes, but only in the sense that mastering a tricycle is progress toward winning the Tour de France.

As for the specifics of my fundraising, it's like this: Using my connections with elite liberals, rank-and-file secular humanists and a few Pagan comrades, I will organize a Farm Aid-meets-Live Aid-meets-Live 8-meets-Comic Relief-meets-WrestleMania that will raise money to defray the costs of resettling Christian theocrats to South Carolina.

Like I said, you want your spiritual brethren to get all Dixie, and we want to help. You'll need money to get folks to South Carolina, and as elite liberals, we've got more money than we know what to do with. Until now.

The fundraiser will feature live music, celebrities, merchandising, cable pay-per-view, funnel cakes, the whole shiznit. On your end, what would be really helpful is providing us with the names and faces of people who will be resettled. This will provide an immediacy to our fundraising efforts. And naturally, the more prominent theocrats participating, the better. If you can deliver the likes of Dr. James Dobson of Focus On The Family, Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, and Gary Bauer of American Values, it would translate into HUGE donations. HUGE!

By the way, if you're leading this exodus, what're you still doing in California? Hello?

Anyway, let me know how you'd like to proceed.

Sincerely,

Kenneth Cleaver

Cleaver's addendum: Ms. Burnell declined to engage in further dialogue about fundraising. Sniff.

-- kencleaver@hotmail.com

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