Columns » Kenneth Cleaver

Kenneth Cleaver

Consumer Correspondent

January 8, 2005

Butterball Turkey Company

2001 Butterfield Road

Downers Grove, IL 60515-1049

To Whom It May Concern:

I've been a vegetarian for 14 years. I figure if I'm going to break down and eat a critter, it'll be a turkey. For one, they're ugly; Two, they're stupid; Three, they're horrible kissers; Four, I've tried Tofurkey and it tastes like fried ass.

I know you're not exactly non-partisan on this, but is my information right?

I even heard these birds are so dumb that if they're caught out in the rain, they'll gaze up with their beaks open and drown. I probably shouldn't believe everything I hear, especially from bartenders, but it sounds like the sort of thing that's so bizarre it has to be true. Is it?


Kenneth Cleaver

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