Today we will discuss an important civic award given by our highly esteemed mayor to a dog named Swagger, causing him to get so excited that he ran outside City Hall, peed on a fire hydrant and bit a mailman.
While the dog waited patiently inside.
After we are done making fun of the mayor — which may take a while — we'll turn our attention to someone else who made Colorado Springs proud last week by telling a state lawmaker that he hopes she gets shot in the head.
I'm talking, of course, about firearms enthusiast Frank Sain. Or as his friends call him, "Frank N. Sain."
Back to City Hall, where Mayor Steve "Age Is Only A State Of ... Uh, What Was I Saying?" Bach presented a Spirit of the Springs award to the dog. He continued the canine theme later in the day by neutering our City Council.
"Swagger is an unbelievable dog," the mayor said during the ceremony. "This is the first time we've presented an award to a dog."
The event was then briefly interrupted as the mayor's staff ran to the podium and licked the mayor's face, just as he trained them to do. He gave each of them a small biscuit and scratched Minister of Propaganda Laura Neumann behind the ear. (She responded by wagging her tail and announcing that the village will no longer release any information about anything.)
Swagger is an English Sheepdog, which is just like a regular sheepdog except with crooked teeth. I'm just kidding. The dog is perfect. His owner and handler, Colton Johnson, co-owns the Sunrise and Woodmen Kennels on the north end of our town.
Swagger — whose actual registered name is Bugaboo's Picture Perfect — took reserve best-in-show and the top prize in the herding group at the prestigious Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last month.
All of that was noted by Mayor Bach, whose actual registered name is Sir Snarlalot With The Dyed Fur.
American Kennel Club historians say it was the first time a sheepdog accepted an award from a pit bull.
In the running, perhaps, to win the next Spirit of the Springs award is villager Franklin Glenn Sain.
Sain was upset by state Rep. Rhonda Fields' call to tighten state gun laws and prevent lunatics from getting firearms. So, police say, he threatened to shoot Fields and her daughter.
Making it even more disgusting is this: Fields' son, who was in 2005 set to testify in Denver about how drug dealers killed his friend, was shot to death by another, uh, gun enthusiast.
"I keep my 30 Round Magazines. There Will Be Blood! I'm Coming For You!" Sain wrote so eloquently in a letter that police say he sent to Fields.
Officials say Sain, who has been arrested, also said he hoped Fields and state Rep. Beth McCann would meet the same fate as Gabrielle Giffords, the Arizona congresswoman who was shot in the head by another big supporter of the Second Amendment.
"Hopefully somebody Gifords [sic] both of your asses with a gun," the letter said.
Sain, an Iraqi war veteran, is — get this — the chief operating officer of an IT consulting firm, SofTec Solutions, in Englewood. (I bet that was an interesting job interview.)
Here now, an excerpt from an actual statement issued by Sain's lawyers, Siddhartha Rathod and Qusair Mohamedbhai:
"We are deeply concerned about the government's retaliation against Mr. Sain for his protected First Amendment political speech. ... Representative Fields appears to be furthering her political agenda by trampling on Mr. Sain's constitutionally protected free speech ..."
Of the e-mails, voice mails and letter threatening to kill Rep. Fields and her daughter along with Rep. McCann, lawyer Rathod told the Denver Post, "None of the statements attributed to Mr. Sain rise to the level of criminal conduct."
I could leave you with a final thought about Mr. Sain and his two brilliant lawyers, but instead I will let Swagger the sheepdog leave it.
On the sidewalk. After a big meal.
Rich Tosches (email@example.com) also writes a Sunday column in the Denver Post.