Dear Mexican: I'm tired of debating these pasty whitebreads that the Camino Real has had people back and forth across the border for over 500 years. And that a fence is redundant and that people will always be crossing our southern border. The whitebreads insist that the wall can end this traffic; I don't think so. What is your thought on the history of the Camino Real?
— Blanco Beaner
Dear Gabacho: Which Camino Real are we talking about? The one that connected California's missions and was romanticized by gabachos? The one that connected Texas' missions? El Camino Real de Tierra Adentro, which went from Mexico City to Santa Fe? Or El Camino Real, the chingón Fullerton eatery that's the favorite Mexican restaurant of Los Angeles Lakers superstar Kobe Bryant? All of them reflect the same idea you allude to: that la frontera has had humans going back and forth for centuries, if not millennia, and that trying to seal off the border for good is as futile an endeavor as getting Donald Trump's mouth not to spew caca.
Dear Mexican: I was in San Diego recently renting a car when I mentioned I might be taking it down to Tijuana for the day. The nice man behind the counter asked me if I wanted to buy Mexican insurance. I thought that was a great idea. Do you know if it's available here? I'm sure I would feel a lot safer driving around the streets of Denver with that policy in my glove box!
— Chubby Chubbys Chump
Dear Gabacho: You know, I was going to answer your question honestly — of course you can't get Mexican insurance to cover you in the United States; it's called Mexican insurance for a reason. And Mexican insurance really isn't necessary in Mexico, if you have a $50 bill on you to pay off a cop — but now I'm thinking you're just fucking with me. So may Peyton Manning choke again this season as punishment for your pendejadas.
Dear Mexican: I think, by law, all al pastor should be made traditionally — on a spit topped with a fresh pineapple. Agreed?
— Su Amigo, Otro Idiota con las Mejores Intenciones
Dear Friend, Another Idiot with the Best Intentions: Yes, and no. The Mexican personally thinks al pastor — the Mexican meat that involves packing together chunks of marinated pork on a spit, slowly roasting it for hours, and shaving off slices as needed — tastes best when topped with a pineapple, the better to have jugo de piña seep into the trompo. But be careful when you talk about traditions and Mexican foods. As seemingly all hipsters just found out this year after NPR and leeches — sorry, I meant millennial publications — did stories about al pastor's origins, the tradition owes nothing to Mexico: It's based on the shawarmas that Middle Eastern immigrants brought to central Mexico in the 1930s. All Mexicans did was substitute puerco for the original beef and lamb. And the original al pastor didn't have pineapple — that's a more recent addition dating back no more than 30 years, if that. The only Mexican food law that should be enacted is a ban on anyone ever thinking again that celebrity chef Rick Bayless is an authority on anything else than his pocketbook.
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