If on May 17 you can't get a hold of a lawyer, doctor, banker, orthodontist, investment adviser or a developer, check The Broadmoor. They'll probably all be there that Thursday, playing golf to support Mayor Steve Bach.
It's called the Mayor's Cup and you, too, can be there to play golf, allegedly help the city and more importantly to see if that thing on the mayor's head falls off when he swings a golf club.
The entry fee is a mere $250 per person, or $1,000 for a four-person team. When I heard about the event I got so excited I blew a mouthful of $700-per-ounce Iranian Almas Beluga caviar onto my cat.
Seriously, my wife, bless her heart, said she'd be glad to give me $250 for a round of golf. Then she laughed so hard she fell off the milk crates she was sitting on, knocked over her plate of I Can't Believe It's Not Salmon and banged her head on the ironing board, or "dining room table."
Bach, who is like Mitt Romney without all that personality, came up with the idea of a golf tournament to raise money for his Spirit of the Springs initiatives — pet projects to improve the community, such as building a guillotine to behead the City Council and hiring a personal trainer for his staff so they won't hurt their backs when they squat down each morning to kiss his behind.
The tournament begins at 8:30 a.m., with what's known as a shotgun start. Word on the street is that celebrity host Dick Cheney (his wife, Lynne, graduated from Colorado College) will make it memorable by shouting "Quail!" and pretending to shoot highly esteemed local TV-ad lawyer Frank "The Strong Arm" Azar, who will fall down, grab his neck, and get himself $350,000.
Seriously, here's what it says on the official tournament website:
"Proceeds will be held by the Pikes Peak Community Foundation. A panel of citizens will make decisions related to all fund appropriations."
So far, that impartial panel of citizens is made up of Bob Bach, Dave Bach, Henry Bach, Staye Bach, I'll B. Right Bach, Scratch Mie Bach, Tok Behind-Mi Bach, Don Turnyurr Bach and the mayor's favorite panel member, Gettoff Mi Bach.
Also on the registration website — because our mayor believes in smaller and simpler government, and so does his newly appointed secretary to the vice-secretary of the associate director to the vice president of the general manager who answers directly to the vice-associate director of communications — is a 781-word legal disclaimer that includes phrases such as: "Spirit of the Springs makes no warranty that the Spirit of the Springs website services will be uninterrupted, secure or error free."
In other words, if during the registration process your credit card is somehow charged $25,000 instead of $250, well, tough luck. On a positive note, you will be allowed to visit City Hall for a private viewing of Mayor Bach's brand-new $24,750 baby Sumatran tiger loafers, approved by that "panel of citizens."
The $250 entry fee gets you not only golf at The Broadmoor (the last time Mayor Bach stayed there, he complained that the bath towels were so thick, he couldn't get his suitcase closed) but also breakfast and an awards luncheon. Among those recognized will be the winner of the popular "closest to retirement" contest, in which attendees get to guess which city employee will be the next to be fired.
Of course, if the $250 entry fee seems a bit steep, perhaps we could organize another tournament — that same day, at one of our fine city-owned golf courses. We could call it the Normal People's Cup, with no entry fee other than greens fees, and donations going to a small bag of potato chips that City Council, if we still have one in May, could pass around during meetings.
I'd play. I bet my boss and Indy executive editor Ralph Routon would play, too. I bet we could talk the Indy into sponsoring the tournament. Let us know what you think, and whether you'd play, via the comments section on our website.
In the meantime, if you're wondering how many years we must endure this arrogant and elitist leadership, I have the answer: