Well, well. Looks like our pal Doug Bruce, accused of tax evasion, might go to prison. Life can be fickle like that. One minute you're getting nearly as many votes for City Council as nutty Ed Bircham, and the next minute you're wearing a blonde wig and going to the prom with Big Vinny.
Seriously, when I heard of Doug's arrest, I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and knocked to the ground. Turns out City Councilman-elect Tim Leigh had just backed over me and a bunch of preschool kids in a grocery store parking lot. (You could tell Tim felt bad by the way he rushed over, threatened us if we told anybody, and then kicked little Jimmy in the stomach.)
Anyway, Doug has been indicted for allegedly cheating on his taxes and very well could — if our savior Jesus Christ does not turn his back on us — end up in prison.
Doug, as you know, is the author of that terrific anti-tax bill, TABOR, a measure that has made Colorado what it is today: the only state mocked by people in Alabama and Misi ... Misisis ... Missusapp ... uh, Kentucky.
He was also an El Paso County commissioner who ridiculed and threatened everyone within reach of his claws. A highlight: During a brief recital by talented young violin players at a commissioners meeting, Doug interrupted to ask, loudly, how long he had to listen to the "screeching violins." At least one of the little violin players cried.
Now the 61-year-old Doug is in serious trouble and is looking for a lawyer who shares his complete lack of ethics and absence of a conscience. I think we know what a tough search that will be. And the IRS has this funny little habit of seizing your house and removing your toenails until it gets its money.
So, because I'm always trying to help, I thought I'd go to craigslist.com and assist Doug in his job search so he can pay his bills. Here now, actual local jobs posted this week that might help Doug through the tough times.
• Car wash tunnel attendants. Help customers understand loading their car into the car wash.
If you can't figure out how to drive into a car wash, well, Doug would be there to explain it. When he isn't helping Leigh scrape the children off his bumper.
• Cleaner. Need a licensed, experienced Cleaner.
Doug has some experience here. His failed City Council effort cleaned out $10,000 from the bank accounts of his fellow "Reform Team" candidates.
• Automotive repair facility needs a lube tech. Must have good personality, dependable and has pride in his workmanship.
Maybe they'd settle for dependable and has pride in his workmanship.
• Dog Catcher. I have a dog that got away from us and is extremely hard to catch. (non-aggressive, doesn't bite or attack, is a Basset Hound). I am offering to pay somebody to catch her safely. I am desperate, as she is hanging out close to Platte and Murray. Also, she only comes out from her hiding spot at about 3am-6am. I have looked and looked during the day and cant find her — only at night. It will probably take two people.
Ah, Bruce and Bircham. Back together again.
• Violin and Cello Teacher. Compensation: 20/hr.
Hey, people can change.
• Are you married or in a serious relationship that is in trouble? If so, long-running syndicated show wants to hear your story! We want guests with great stories that are in troubled relationships.
Doug: "My girlfriend keeps making hissing noises at me." Uh, Doug, that's because she's inflatable. Check for a leak.
• Casting Muscular Men for Video Shoot. Muscular arms, ripped chest, washboard abs. Pay is great.
Not sure about Doug, but this would be a great job for his rental tenants. They don't have washboard abs, but they do have actual washboards.
• Looking for a Tree climber with experience. Will test on Interview and will pay between $15.00 to $17.00 an hour.
Maybe a squirrel will bite Doug's nu ... uh, leg.