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California dreamin' with Ritter

Ranger Rich



It has been a week since our courageous Gov. Bill Quitter, I mean Ritter, announced his "Colorado Loves California" program in an effort to lure more Californians to our great state.

This is a terrific idea. As proof, I remind you that the last time we did this California sent us Doug Bruce, who has now cleansed our entire village of such terrible things as trash cans in the parks, firefighters, cops, public transportation, streetlights and, of course, pride.

Makes you wonder why we don't try this kind of thing more often.

To spearhead his plan, Gov. Ritter offered a Valentine-themed marketing blitz with lovey-dovey Valentine cards sent to California business executives and "Colorado Loves California" ads in the Los Angeles Times.

California swooned and giggled and in return will now send us mudslides, earthquakes, gigantic artificial breasts, men with buttock implants and an option to purchase O.J. Simpson. We also get a signed copy of the new book, Charlie Sheen's 50 Tips for a Happy Marriage. (No. 26: "Only wave a weapon when she makes you angry.")

Due to prior commitments, however, California will keep Charles Manson, who is 103 and whose bowel and urinary habits are now described as "helter skelter." Also, in some great news for Colorado hotel employees, California will keep basketball superstar Kobe Bryant.

(On a personal note, I think this Colorado-California relationship will help me sell my screenplay to Hollywood. It's the story of U.S. Olympic women's hockey team superstar twins Monique and Jocelyne Lamoureux, who don't talk a lot. I'm calling it Silence of the Lamoureuxes. Sorry.)

In his proclamation, Ritter cited common threads of Colorado and California, including "active lifestyles, outdoor recreation and plenty of sunshine." Other threads left out, likely because of space limitations, were the "drive-by shootings," the "hundreds of thousands of women who wouldn't touch Doug Bruce with a 10-foot pole," and "having a medical Twinkie and medical Cheetos concession stand outside every medical marijuana shop."

Historical footnote: Anti-tax guru Bruce is, really, from California. He actually graduated from Hollywood High School in 1965 at the age of just 16. This was due to his high level of intelligence and also because he didn't particularly want to spend two more years being held upside-down with his head stuffed into the boys' room toilet.

Ritter went on to note that "Colorado is often the next place Californians call home, as California is the top state in the nation for in-migration to Colorado."

I think I speak for the group here when I say, in all sincerity, "Well whoop-dee-$%^&*-doo!"

Seriously, I ask you, where would we be without all the Californians zooming past us on Interstate 25 during a blizzard or ice storm because they have new four-wheel drive vehicles that go through anything? Well, we'd be in the ditch with an airbag pressed against our face or upside down in the median instead of them, that's where we'd be.

(When it snows, don't think of them as inconsiderate bastards with small brains. Do what I do: Think of them as mine sweepers.)

The story of Ritter's love letter made it into most California newspapers. The San Francisco Chronicle ran it, and soon its Web site was brimming with comments from Bay Area readers, including this one from Stephen44: "California is the laughing stock of the other states. We have more illegal aliens and sanctuary cities than anywhere else. Our schools are overcrowded where the main lesson being taught is ENGLISH as a second language."

The idea of those people streaming into Colorado has upset the highly esteemed and very important Tom Tancredo, a former U.S. representative from our state who hated Mexicans from his seat in Congress for four terms but now only hates Mexicans as a private citizen.

Insiders say Tancredo, in a carefully crafted 1,600-word speech now being written onto his hand by Sarah Palin, will vow to leave Colorado if any more Californians arrive.

So I say come to this grand land, all you Californian people. Venture to our beloved state with its Rocky Mountains. And do not worry. You will stop breathing funny and clutching your chest in six months or so.

Oh, and if it's not too much trouble, could each of you bring one street light bulb?

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