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Broken News

One year's worth of hot leads gone cold

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The news we disseminate each week first reaches us in myriad ways — remind us to tell you about our rooftop owlery some time, and don't even get us started on the hassle of running a network of rumor-mongers. But press releases take up the carpool lane on the information superhighway. And not everybody over there is working with the same horsepower, if you know what we mean.

With a spirit of oh-so-full disclosure in mind, the Indy is proud to present you with a smattering of news we just couldn't justify printing ... until now. All the bolded text below came directly from actual press releases; it has not been edited in any way, and names were definitely not changed to protect the innocent.

And while we're talking about mildly entertaining information, it's probably worth noting that we've fired up our very own blog, available at (or on the left-hand side of the homepage). With daily staff contributions on all things local, it promises to be your one-stop-shop for all future collegiate scholarship announcements, breast-enhancement stories and updates on the whereabouts of Lil Wayne's teeth.

Keeping kosher ... foxy!

Martin Silver, President of Agave99 Tequila is announcing Today Friday, December 11, 2009 at 11:30 am a mitzvah crusade to provide free Holiday cheer for all eight nights of Hanukkah. He has hired the nations first Kosher shot girls to go out to hundreds of restaurants, bars and night clubs through out the City of New York and Long Island. The eight sexy kosher angels dressed in mini skirts, high heels and 100 percent kosher tank tops will be healing the stress and worries of this years tough economy. They will handing out free kosher tequila shots and singing hava-tequila. The Mitzvah crusade will start on the first night of Chanukah. Agave99 is one of the most full bodied tequilas in the world.

— "America's First Kosher Shot Girls to be unveiled in NYC for the Jewish Holiday of Hanukkah," Dec. 11, Cohen Communications

BREASTS for graduation? Yes, please.

As the bell rings and school lets out many high school grads are headed to the doctor's office to recoup their graduation present.

Breast enlargements have become the most popular graduation gift in resent times, even surpassing requests for a car, as young women use the summer vacation period to go under the knife before college.

No longer are females requesting expensive jewelry, European summer vacations, or other trinkets to commemorate the completion of school. They instead wish to fulfill a long term dream of undergoing a breast augmentation and feeling more self confident.

Breast augmentation surgery is one of the most sought after cosmetic enhancements globally. Breasts are one of the only parts of the female physique which do not allow for natural improvement, shape or enhancement. You can't change the size with diet or exercise and there is only so much you can achieve with a push-up-bra, but a breast augmentation gives a woman the chest she has always desired.

Cosmetic surgeon, Dr Lloyd Landsman, has experienced this growing trend first hand at his New York clinic.

"I have definitely had more requests for breast graduation gifts of late. This is nothing new but this type of procedures is becoming more popular among this age bracket. In the 1990's the big thing was nose jobs, now it is breast augmentations. It's been especially busy now that school has just let out for the summer. This is something young ladies have put a lot of thought into and discussed with their parents and then, after careful consideration, parents agree to pay for the surgery as a graduation present."

Dr Landsman is happy to be interviewed and provide his expert medical opinion on this topic.

— "Breast Jobs Rank Number One As The Best Graduation Gifts For Girls," June 16, Northshore Communications

All about grills!

'My charcoal burns red, white and blue,' America says with pride

A variety of psychological reactions to grilling food surfaced during a consumer study last summer in Denver, Chicago and Tampa, Fla. Participants kept grilling diaries and talked about their sensory responses to grilling food, especially beef. The study was funded by the Beef Checkoff Program, a market development fund that Colorado beef producers pay into.

Among the most common findings about feelings tied to grilling foods:

· Grilling creates a sense of harmony and togetherness.

· Grilling is a way to express culture or personality, through the use of ethnic flavors, favorite cuts, secret ingredients and pride in grilling skills.

· Grilling represents freedom, relaxation and enjoyment of being outdoors.

· A lot of grilling is about beef -- this survey and a 2009 one from the Hearth, Patio and Barbecue Association (HPBA) found that beef (burgers, 82%, steak, 79%) topped the list of favorite grilling foods. Grilling beef in particular drew intense reactions from study members.

— "The Psychology of Grilling," April 27, Colorado Beef Association

Utilities says: Screw Daytona Beach!

It's Spring Break, and kids are out of school looking for something to do. In these tough economic times, enjoy a free, fun and educational opportunity. Take a break from spending money on activities. Instead, tour a water treatment facility, power plant or conservation center. Learn how water is cleaned before we drink it, how light is created when we flip the switch or experience a conservation exhibit.

— "It's not Daytona Beach, but this Spring Break is just as fun ... and it's FREE," March 12, Colorado Springs Utilities

Knock a celeb's teeth out — and cash 'em in!

Seattle, Chicago, and Los Angeles Jeweler will pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for Lil Wayne's gold and platinum diamond studded crowns also wanted are Diddy's gold bottom front teeth and Flava Flavs 22K semi-permanent gold caps top and bottom ...

Celebrities with specialized mouths are worth big bucks. Stars like Diddy, Lil Wayne, Flava Flav or Nelly are wanted for their teeth as much as their CD's by fans and jewelers.

Mark Porcello of Porcello Estate Buyers is a 50-year and third generation family jewelry business that is seeing a wave of customers looking to trade in their old teeth since the price of gold spiked in February.

"Selling your gold teeth and crowns is an excellent way to bring in a little extra money for you and your family in these troubled financial times" says Mark. But he also cautions "Don't sell to just anyone. Make sure you do your research and find someone you can trust who will work with your gold in an honest and professional way."

— "Seattle, Chicago, and Los Angeles Jeweler will pay hundreds of thousands of dollars for Lil Wayne's gold and platinum diamond studded crowns," March 30, Northshore Communications

Bowlers strike again!

NOTE: For reasons unbeknownst to the Indy, Wichita State University keeps us well updated on the state of its Shocker bowling team. With headlines like these, who needs a college football championship game?

April 18: Shocker Men Claim 9th National Championship, 17th in Program History

April 18: Not To Be Outdone Lady Shockers Win 9th National Championship, 18th in Program History and Complete Shocker Sweep

April 21: For Second Consecutive Season Shocker Bowling Economic Impact Tops 4 Million

Sept. 10: 70 Bowlers Attempt to Make Shocker Bowling Team

(Another note: That's the largest tryout in 20 years! According to the release, it's "traditionally grueling and at times a frustrating event.")

Sept. 24: National Championship Shocker Teams Recognized By United States House of Representatives

Unbelievable achievements!

Ellen Power and Richard Kircher, managers of the Colorado Springs, Colorado KOA Kampground recently completed the nation's only comprehensive campground management course at KOA University in Billings, Mont.

"Local business managers complete training,"

May 5, Kampgrounds of America

I thought you'd be interested in knowing that, following the EEOC Alamos Verdes Restaurant sexual harassment lawsuit, Denver resident Paul Martinez has been selected by our panel of workplace experts as the nation's Worst Boss of 2009.

"Denver resident selected as the nation's Worst Boss of 2009,"

Dec. 9, Asher Adelman, founder,

The SONIC Drive-In crews at 4457 Austin Bluff Parkway and 1465 Jamboree Drive are one step closer to qualifying for the National Finals of the 16th annual Dr Pepper SONIC Games. ...

The nine-month, Olympic-style competition tests the knowledge of SONIC crew members in the categories of Carhop (food delivery), Fountain (drink preparation), Switchboard (service delivery), Dresser, Grill and Swamp (food preparation).

"Colorado Springs SONIC Drive-In Crews Move Closer to Becoming a Vegas VIP,"

June 25, Barkley

Colorado Springs resident Trish Fischer placed No. 19 in May sales volume among more than 55,000 U.S. distributors for Reliv International, Inc., a direct selling company that markets nutritional supplements.

Fischer earned a $500 bonus for extraordinary accomplishments.

"Local Resident Places High in Sales Volume for Reliv International,"

July 21, Reliv International

Allstate Insurance Company has recognized local Allstate exclusive agency owner Jim Reilly with the Regional Champions award for high standards in customer satisfaction, customer retention and profitable business growth.

"Local Allstate agency owner highlighted for customer service and business results,"

Aug. 24, The Allstate Corporation

Angelica Michaux of Colorado Springs, Colo., a senior majoring in sociology in the College of Liberal Arts and Human Sciences, has gained membership to the Virginia Tech Corps of Cadets Regimental Band, the Highty-Tighties.

"Colorado Springs, Colo., resident named member of Virginia Tech's Highty-Tighties,"

Nov. 17, Virginia Tech News

"Farmers Insurance Agents Complete Career Agents Course at the University of Farmers,"

June 23, Farmers Insurance

Lawyers overpower letterhead

Sherman & Howard L.L.C., the firm with the second greatest number of attorneys in Denver, announced today that it has combined its firm with Phoenix-based Mohr, Hackett, Pederson, Blakley & Randolph, P.C. The move, along with a combination with Denver-based Netzorg McKeever Koclanes & Bernhardt LLC, which the firm also announced today, brings Sherman & Howard's total number of attorneys to more than 190 ...

— "Sherman and Howard Combination Announcement," Jan. 5, Healy and Schulte

Soldiers battle with acronyms

The Colorado Army National Guard Chemical Biological Radiological Nuclear Explosive (CBRNe) Consequence Management Reaction Force will be testing their capabilities to effectively respond to national emergencies at the upcoming National Emergency Response Exercise by launching UH-60 Black hawks and CH-47 Chinook helicopters from the Army Aviation Support Facility at Buckley Air Force Base July 23. ...

The COARNG 2nd Battalion 135th Aviation Regiment "Blackjacks" was appointed by the Secretary of Defense to be the Aviation Task Force for the Continental United States which will support CCMRF teams around the country. ...

"This shows incredible confidence in the 'Blackjacks' for the SECDEF to choose us as the first National Guard or Reserve unit to receive this mission," said Army Capt. Thomas Wyant, Planning Officer for the 2/135th.

— "Black hawk Helicopters to do a landing Exercise at the World Arena!" July 21, World Arena

Truly shocking news! Mr. NoNo says: Don't cook those kids, Mister Rabbit!

Dear Easter Bunny,

Thank you for hiding our children's brightly decorated Easter eggs, candy, and whatnots. Unfortunately thousands of children across the country end up in the hospital that glorious day due to some of your creative hiding places.

Before you begin hiding Easter eggs in Cujo's dog bowl, up in a birds nest 23ft high or replace a 100 watt light bulb with little Timmy's egg; take a look at Mr. No-No's safety tips. Mr. No-No realizes some of these tips are commonsense, but you would be amazed how many children get hurt regardless.

— "Safety Tips for the Easter Bunny," Feb. 15, The Thinking C.A.P.P. Foundation

Jacko's death inspires ACORN

Community organization absorbs Pop King's pain

We at ACORN join the millions who mourn the passing of Michael Jackson. Many of us watched Michael grow up and his cultural imprint and impact will be with us for generations. His pain is now our pain and the joy he spread to so many should be replicated manifold in his remembrance."

— "Statement from Bertha Lewis, CEO of ACORN, on Passing of Michael Jackson," June 26, The Advance Group

John Stamos sweats!

And don't think the girls haven't noticed!

'Extra' caught-up with John Stamos backstage at his new Broadway show "Bye, Bye Birdie." John, the 46-year-old hunk, always looks great but he talks about getting in shape for his new role and the funny nickname given to him by his cast mates.

John Stamos is no stranger to Broadway and what it takes to perform on stage every night as he's been in productions of "Cabaret" and "Nine." Although, John has always been in great shape he decided to intensify his workouts over the past few months to get ready for his new role.

"I've just been doing a lot of cardio just to build up that. But I sweat so much. These poor girls I'm sweating on. "

Since his new work regime has caused a bit of a sweating issue, his cast mates decided to poke some fun at him by buying him a special gift for his birthday and giving him a new nickname:

"It was my birthday last week. They got me a sweatband so I wouldn't sweat on them."

"Stay-moist. That's what they call me around here. John Stay-moist."

— "John Stamos Gets In Shape for the Broadway Stage and Dishes About his New Nickname," Aug. 26, Extra

Zany politics!
Ant marches to City Hall!

At the Zele coffee shop, across the street from City Hall, The Red Ant, a pesky 8-month-old solenopsis invicta, announced her candidacy for Mayor of Aspen, Colorado.

Known for her fiery style and demand for truth, accuracy, transparency and accountability in local government matters, The Red Ant anticipates an exciting campaign for a key leadership role in this unique mountain community.

Upon her announcement, The Red Ant paraphrased Steven Colbert in his recent bid for the Presidency, "I don't want to BE Mayor, I want to RUN FOR Mayor. There's a difference."

While there is little chance The Red Ant will be listed on the official ballot due to the insurmountable requirement that she be a "natural person," she responded, "If I have to prove it, so should Andrew and Mick," referring to her fellow candidates Andrew Kole and incumbent Mayor Mick Ireland.

The Ant will likely face the same qualification challenges Sal A Mander faced in the 1970's when he ran various political campaigns as the "Newtist" party candidate for Aspen's mayor, Pitkin County sheriff, and Colorado governor. Not easily discouraged, The Ant says that given our economic worries, returning to some traditional Aspen political wackiness and fun is good medicine, and in the best tradition of American political satire. ...

The Red Ant described her platform as focused on bringing a more democratic and responsive government to Aspen.

— "The Red Ant for Mayor!" March 23, Marilyn Marks

Darkhorse eyes Capitol Hill!

Note: The writer sent this to the Indy in hopes of gaining last-minute support that could sway Gov. Bill Ritter.

I'm interested in the Senate seat know open Sen. Ken Salazar appointment as the Interior Department. Sec. I finished High School in Colorado Springs at Palmer High. I have my own web business a shopping site To learn more about me please check out it has my resume and the photos in the back round of that page it says a lot too. I say yes and give it a good try to if I was to get appointed to Co Senate seat by you Bill it would be a chance to prove my self and try to do a very good for the people and State of Colorado, I've not ever been elected to a public office of the Government, but have sat on Board of directors that is the same process of rules of order as is any Senate or House is too. I'm not a current Resident of Colorado how ever, but from living there when I was younger do have me grate aspiration of the state of Colorado the mountains it is the state I call my home state even though I'm not living there but do hope to return to when I've finished what I'm doing here at the Nations Capital.

— "I'm interested in the soon to be open Colorado Senate seat letter," Dec. 26, 2008, Phillip at

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