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Black Cherry Punch makes you relax, forget dark thoughts


Black Cherry Punch is relaxing and destroys your dark thoughts. - BRANDON SODERBERG
  • Brandon Soderberg
  • Black Cherry Punch is relaxing and destroys your dark thoughts.

So you get a sense of where I was before I smoked the Indica-dominant Black Cherry Punch: I had just gotten a haircut (or OK, I had just cut my own hair) and that made it just a little easier for me to touch my scalp and that gave me one more thing to freak out about. I could now better feel the slight, subtle incline all of our skulls have toward the back of our heads and I convinced myself that the back of my head was dented and collapsing. I placed my whole palm back there — it was flat now, I swear, a precise, downward angle. Send Bob Vila from This Old House over here to determine the exact roof pitch of my head. My brain was obviously shrinking or a piece had floated off to some other part of my body and soon a soft spot like a newborn has would be there, a sinkhole in my skull, and I would be dead.

In the past this would have been something I’d have thought about for days then tweeted out as a “joke,” but not really a joke just a way to temporarily transport my useless dread to the internet — saying it aloud, tweeting it, can make you feel better sometimes. This time though, I grabbed some Black Cherry Punch, a mossy strain that gets more moist when you grind it up, like you’ve unlocked some small mysterious source of moisture inside the desert-stone-looking buds that smell artificially sweet, like bad breakfast cereal or Kool-Aid (or more accurately, homemade Play-doh that uses Kool-Aid), and are so brown, almost red: think “Flora” by Titian.

A combination of the candied Purple Punch and Black Cherry Pie, an emollient 50/50 Indica/Sativa, Black Cherry Punch is not only relaxing but dark-thoughts-destroying. It enables a sleep paralysis-lite intensity where you’re sinking into comfort as your synapses still spark, thinking your way out of any black hole the mind might make. I touched the back of my head. It felt like all of the other people’s heads. Black Cherry Punch got me to calm down. Then, what now must be a half-decade-old at least meme came to my stoned mind. I remembered this GIF of Justin Bieber where his face has been shrunk to probably one-quarter of the size it really is — not his head, just his features, so Bieber but with a whole lot more forehead and chin. He’s in a varsity jacket with a T-shirt under it and he’s got a gold chain on and he’s talking to a reporter with this tiny face. Subtitles tell you what he’s saying. “I tried weed one time,” Little-Faced Justin Bieber says. “Then this happened.”

Strength: 8
Nose: Knock-off Crunch Berries
Euphoria: 9
Existential dread: 0
Freaking out when a crazy person approaches you: 1
Drink pairing: Watermelon seltzer
Music pairing: Peggy Gou, Seek for Maktoop
Rating: 8

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