- Willie Breazell
Willie Breazell, a member of Colorado Springs School District 11's Board of Education, is a smart guy. Last week, however, he did something stunningly stupid. It happened, I believe, because of the enormous pressure we feel when copier salesman Ed Bircham skips town for a few weeks on his annual vacation back in his own country and we try desperately to fill the enormous intellectual void he leaves.
Anyway, here's what Breazell (like "Brazil," except in this case he came up a few Amazon parrots short of a flock, if you know what I mean) did: He tried to get D-11 to adopt a policy that would make "stable, heterosexual, two-parent families" a central goal of the school district.
This would replace the current top goal of D-11: keeping the Palmer High School kids from sneaking over to the statue of Gen. Palmer and his horse in the intersection of Platte and Nevada avenues and spray-painting the valiant steed's testicles fluorescent orange. (Personal footnote: The only other animal I've ever seen with such festively decorated testicles was in 1989, when I attended the famed Siegfried and Roy tiger show in Las Vegas. As I understand it, Roy halted the practice in 1994 when the paint began to give him a terrible rash.)
Seriously, Breazell proposed the bizarre resolution last Wednesday night, handing the, uh, anti-gay grandparent resolution, I think, to other school board members at the regular meeting.
Then, within 48 hours, he told the Rocky Mountain News that he'd scrapped the whole idea -- cutting the interview short, as I understand it, to rush back to the planet Xnerk because his webbed feet had become radioactive.
Anyway, such behavior is not unusual. My Uncle Bob, for example, often did the same thing standing up in a loud and boisterous way to announce yet another brilliant idea and then a few days later abandoning the entire concept, usually upon waking up in the beer can-filled backseat of his own car, wearing women's clothes.
But the whole thing was quite confusing. So today, I will try to answer some of the questions about Breazell's anti-one parent if you can have two, as long as no one is gay or living in a stable resolution.
Q: What did the resolution say?
A: It said: "Therefore be it resolved by the Board of Directors of Colorado Springs School District 11 that the definition, defense, maintenance and nourishment of stable, heterosexual, two-parent families is a central goal of public education in District 11, and ought to be so throughout the State of Colorado."
Q: What the hell does "defense of heterosexual, two-parent families" mean?
A: Without getting too technical, this particular defense involves boxing out the father along the baseline, setting a pick on the mother and forcing the wacky lesbian daughter to beat you with a 25-foot jump shot at the buzzer.
Q: And what was that "nourishment" thing all about?
A: According to Breazell's formula, nutritional values are assigned to each family member, with the total number of daily points determining whether you have a normal life and are getting nutrients from all parts of the so-called "family member pyramid." Let's say your brother is cheese. He's healthy for you. Unless he's gay. Then he's Cheez Whiz and is not good -- unless you are a Triscuit.
Q: Breazell's part about "maintenance" really confused me.
A: That wasn't really a question.
Q: I have a can of orange spray paint...
A: OK, then. The "maintenance" portion of Breazell's thoughtful and intelligent resolution involves performing routine service on your family, just as you would on a car or truck engine to make sure, say, the oil is at the proper level.
Q: I'm 12. Does this explain why my older brother calls me "Dipstick"?
A: Yes it does.
Q: Is marriage resolution stuff really the business of school districts?
A: Normally, no. But this is Colorado Springs. Here, sticking your nose in people's personal business has been elevated to a sport.
Q: What would be the drawbacks if school districts were to keep doing things like this?
A: It would take time and energy away from the real mission: teaching little Johnny how to read and how to find Australl ... Australi ... Ohstralya ... Peru on a map.
Q: My family is not a traditional American family like, say, Rush Limbaugh's family, where the actual, loving parents do everything for the kids unless the little bastards are standing in the way when Dad starts shaking and lunges desperately toward the medicine cabinet. Frankly, I've been raised mostly by my grandparents. How can I tell if my grandparents are gay?
A: They are not. Gay people, according to recent scientific studies done by Focus on the Family, did not exist until 1966. The study found that gayness began when two hippie girls from San Francisco got some "bad dope" at a concert and mistook Joan Baez for Jerry Garcia. From there, the Focus report concludes, "Everything just kinda snowballed."
Q: So why did Breazell withdraw his resolution?
A: Because of the gorillas and monkeys.
Q: Are you smokin' on Willie's bong?
A: No. Here's what Breazell actually said, and I am not kidding about this, when he tried to explain why he was packing up his duffel bag and checking out of Camp Stupid Resolution: "This turned into a gorilla," he said. "Perhaps it should have been a monkey."
Q--Beside that fine lesson in animal behavior, did D-11 kids get any benefit from this ridiculous proposal?
A--Yes. They got a good lesson in Greek philosophy. Because compared to Breazell, copier salesman Bircham suddenly seems like Plato.
Rich Tosches, firstname.lastname@example.org, can be heard on the Eagle, 103.9 AM, on Thursday mornings at 7:30.