- Bruce Elliott
- By using its innovative new ideas, City Council should convince citizens to drive around town and fill their own damn potholes.
As you know, the rocket scientists who run our village have run out of money. This is because of lower tax revenues and unforeseen expenditures. It is not in any way related to the fact that they spend our money like Donald Trump in the new-products aisle of a comb-over convention.
Today, the village has no money to plant flowers in the medians. The town has been planting flowers in the medians every spring since town founder Gen. William Jackson Palmer was a young boy, clogging up the intersection of Platte and Nevada avenues by sitting proudly astride his playful pony, Merv.
The point is that our local government doesn't have money for flowers this year. Putting aside the obvious solution -- printing Utilities director Phil Tollefson's bonus check stubs in bright colors and then cutting and folding them into petunias --City Council has come up with a terrific proposal: We, the dumb villagers, should adopt a median and put in the time and cash to buy, plant and maintain the flowers.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for adoption. But frankly, if I wanted to adopt something that was covered with dirt and spent all of its time lying motionless in the middle of the street, I'd adopt a homeless guy.
Stunningly, thus far only 15 people or organizations have jumped at this wonderful opportunity to buy expensive flowers and plant and maintain them while trying to dodge sport utility vehicles being piloted at high speeds by distracted, latte-gulping drivers.
Footnote: One median has been adopted by the Gazette, giving the newspaper the responsibility now of taking care of two potted plants. If you count its publisher.
Anyway, with the great success of this program, village officials are about to unveil plans for other citizen-involvement projects.
Here are just a few of the interesting opportunities that await us:
Raid A Meth Lab.
Our village leaders have never been able to find the money to hire nearly enough police officers. On a more positive note, they do seem to always find hundreds of thousands of dollars to hire consultants, who come back months later and give us their important findings, such as lots of cars is the No. 1 reason for traffic.
Under the Raid A Meth Lab program, ordinary citizens such as you and I -- and here I would emphasize the word "you" -- will be given the addresses of known methamphetamine labs around town. Then, under the cover of darkness, the citizens kick down the doors and make what is known in legal terms as "citizen's arrests," although the practice is also known as "being savagely attacked and thrown off the motel balcony by angry and desperate skinny people with little or no formal education."
Put Out Your Own Structure Fire.
Because we also can't afford enough firefighters, this citizen-participation program allows the villagers the opportunity to extinguish roaring blazes inside their own homes. The villager who does the best job gets to spend a weekend, in their own home, with "Brandy," Fire Station 4's non-housebroken Dalmatian who suffers from CIBS (Canine Irritable Bowel Syndrome).
Note: Because watering restrictions remain in place, people with even-numbered addresses are only allowed to extinguish fires in their homes on Wednesdays and Sundays. People with odd addresses (an example would be "123456 My Donkey Has A Pilot's License Road") can only squelch the raging flames in their homes on Tuesdays and Saturdays.
Fill A Pothole.
Our village streets currently have 655,987 potholes, down from 655,988 a year ago. Note: One pothole was filled just last week by enlightened and tolerant Mayor Lionel Rivera, who chose not to use the traditional road repair material (asphalt) and instead filled the pothole with what he called experimental material (an atheist).
(That was just a joke. I have tremendous respect for our elected officials, especially our mayor and city council, and hereby apologize and vow not to make any more jokes about them.)
Anyway, in this program residents will be asked to drive around town and fill potholes with asphalt. The asphalt must then be pounded down with a heavy, dense, blunt object, such Councilman Darryl Glenn's head.
Plow Your Own Damn Street.
This citizen project would replace the current system of snow removal in Colorado Springs, which consists of 28 trucks, each costing $140,000, carrying no sand and with their plow blades positioned three feet above the roadway, racing up and down Academy Boulevard until the sun comes out and melts everything.
The Plow Your Own Damn Street project would involve an intense, six-week training session in which villagers would be shown the basics of government snow removal, including:
1. How to hide a 90-ton truck behind the Krispy Kreme building until your shift ends.
2. Eliminating an unnecessary step by leaning out the cab of the snowplow and firing handfuls of heavy, one-inch river rock or "sand" directly onto the motorists' windshields.
Successful completion of the Plow Your Own Damn Street training session automatically qualifies you to participate in the final proposed citizen involvement program: Project Shinny.
I don't know about you, but I can't wait to start changing all those burned-out streetlight bulbs.