My mother-in-law gave me a subscription to one of those sappy women's magazines that intersperse pictures of pornographically rich desserts with the latest ascetic diets. My preference has always been sophisticated men's magazines with their urbane interviews, discussion of fine wines and fast cars, and dark, craven wit. Best, they never bore me with articles full of cheap marital advice (the guys just don't share that angst, gals).
The November issue of Esquire, for example, has a fun list called "175 Things a Man Should Do Before He Dies," offering the sublime ("Talk to God") with the ridiculous ("Shave a woman's legs").
In honor of their creative pluck, I have put together a similar list for the other half of humanity. Of course, the list isn't as long, but then, the Indy doesn't have all of those disgusting, well-paying liquor ads to pay for the space, either.
If you don't like the list, have fun making your own.
#1 Date a younger man.
#2 Allow your chewy, salty heart to be marinated in the tender juices of a younger man's obsession.
#3 Ride a train through Europe (better yet, ride the Orient Express).
#4 Say grace to the Goddess.
#5 Vote from lust.
#6 Tell Richard Simmons to just shut up and sit down.
#7 Run for office, win, and then resign in a grand gesture of moral indigestion.
#8 Sing to a child.
#9 Sing to a dying parent.
#10 Buy a really expensive, well-made pair of boots.
#11 Let a man shave your legs.
#12 Write your own erotica.
#13 Audition for local theater.
#14 Get published.
#15 Teach someone, besides a child, to read.
#16 Eat a really messy hero sandwich in front of a man you're trying to impress.
#17 Learn a few choice phrases in French or Russian to use when flirting or angry.
#18 Ride a motorcycle alone through Nevada.
#19 Stay in a convent.
#20 Wear a fedora in public (once and only once).
#21 Be someone's fairy godmother.
#22 Flirt with a stewardess just for the hell of it.
#23 Serve something Flambé.
#24 Learn to belly dance.
#25 Play the sax or cello, or learn at least one aria or gospel song.
#26 Interview three plastic surgeons, and tell them why your body's flaws are precious to you.
#27 Refuse to settle down.
#28 Tell only the truth to a child.
#29 Whisper your darkest secrets to a beloved tree.
#30 Let someone make love to you in a fragrant field of sweet grass at dusk in late summer.
#31 Rent a luxury hotel room for a night alone.
#32 Adopt a hairstyle you know everyone will hate but that you like anyway.
#33 Make friends with silence and solitude without having to get sick first.
#34 Write a love letter that you know has the power to change someone's life.
#35 Accept your luminous, inimitable talents.
#36 Cry in the rain.
#37 Smuggle good scotch to your (or someone's) dad in the nursing home.
#38 Start a food fight.
#39 Practice telepathy with your cat.
#40 Have a nude portrait of yourself done by a sensitive female photographer.
#41 Go gray for a month.
#42 Dance under a full moon with a bunch of cackling women.
#43 Read a book on astrophysics or molecular biology from cover to cover.
#44 Realize you are not your body.
#45 Create an altar in honor of all your female ancestors and mentors.
#46 Be the boss of someone who is bigger and has a deeper voice than you.
#47 Rent a tuxedo.
#48 Do Stevie Nicks on karaoke sober.
#49 Read James Joyce to telemarketers.
#50 Stick your nose where it doesn't belong to stop child or animal abuse.
#51 Eschew a job for a career.
#52 Eschew a career for a life.
#53 Buy yourself one significant piece of original art.
#54 Kiss a girl.
#55 Lead a protest, or commit an act of civil disobedience.
#56 Forgive the unforgivable.
#57 Drop cable to spend the money on a $50 bottle of champagne.
#58 Abandon self-doubt.
#59 Embrace change.
#60 Give birth to your heart's deepest desire, and develop post-natal amnesia about the pain so you can do it again.