A RESOLUTION OF APPRECIATION AND DEEP EMPATHY TO 37-YEAR-OLD LOCAL CITIZEN LUCAS HINCH.
WHEREAS, Lucas Hinch fired eight gun shots into his personal computer on Monday night; and
WHEREAS, police spokesman Lt. Jeff Strossner told
that Hinch "got tired of fighting with his computer for the last several months" and "so he took it out in the back alley and shot it"; and
WHEREAS, computers are a moderately useful spawn of hell used to create projects and destroy psyches; and
WHEREAS, my fully charged keyboard died twice while I was typing this; and
WHEREAS, Lucas Hinch is clearly of sound body and mind, with excellent judgement and no small amount of fortitude; and
WHEREAS, he put the Dell down with an accuracy commensurate with blowing shit away; and
WHEREAS, Hinch was cited for discharging a firearm inside city limits; and
WHEREAS, Hinch was only trying to communicate with the computer in the only language it responds to — brute force — and thus providing a template for future frustrated owners, even though it cost him a ticket.
NOW, THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED BY THE COLORADO SPRINGS INDEPENDENT:
That Lucas Hinch is a good man, a valuable citizen and a dude who knows how to get it done. All charges should be dismissed, with a new title bestowed upon Hinch: Director of the Bureau for Ctrl-Alt-Delete or Else.
Dated at Colorado Springs, Colorado this 21st day of April, 2015.