We turn our attention once again to the brilliant crop of GOP presidential candidates, focusing this week on Rick Santorum and whether women can prevent pregnancy by holding aspirin between their knees, as Santorum's biggest supporter said a few days ago.
In this discussion we will try to stay away from related topics such as Viagra and whether the oldest GOP candidate, Ron Paul, uses the popular erectile dysfunction pill. (OK, since you brought it up, so to speak, the answer is no, he does not. Sources say Paul can get excited just by recalling those frisky nights with his first girlfriend, Eve.)
Anyway, Santorum, who won't use condoms because they don't make any that look like sweater vests, kicked off this very important national discussion back in October when he talked about "the dangers of contraception in this country, the whole sexual libertine idea."
He went on to say, in an enlightened way: "It's not OK because it's a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. They're supposed to be within marriage. They are supposed to be for purposes that are, yes, conjugal, but also procreative."
Mrs. Santorum tried to leap to her feet to cheer her husband at that point, but could not because of the weight of her chastity belt. I am just kidding. The Santorums made plenty of Republican whoopie and now have seven lovely children, all of whom have been home-schooled, which experts say is the most effective form of birth control for teenagers.
Last week, in an interview with MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell, a wealthy donor to the Santorum Super PAC, Foster Friess, was asked about his boy's birth-control views.
"Back in my days," Friess said, "they used Bayer aspirin for contraception. The gals put it between their knees, and it wasn't that costly."
Staunch Republican Friess then sped off in his Edsel to his next engagement, the annual Back In My Day Convention, where he delivered the keynote speech: "God Gave Women Small Feet So They Could Stand Closer to the Stove."
Santorum, who carried El Paso County in the recent Colorado GOP caucuses, dismissed Friess' remarks as just a "stupid joke." This follows in the wake of two other recent stupid GOP jokes: Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann.
I will now leave the subject of Republican birth control so we can move on to other intelligent things Santorum has said, and also because I fear if we keep talking about it I may get an image of Newt Gingrich having sex — at which point I would put on a bison costume and have our local police SWAT team shoot me.
Last week, Santorum seemed to compare Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler, telling a gathering in Georgia that America didn't get involved earlier in World War II because we weren't sure Hitler was a bad guy. "We're a hopeful people," Santorum said. "We think, 'Well, you know, it will get better. Yeah, he's a nice guy. It won't be near as bad as we think. This will be OK.' After a while you find out some things about this guy over in Europe who's not so good of a guy after all."
Then everybody ran out of the room before Santorum could say that at least Hitler wasn't born in Kenya.
Last weekend, in Ohio, Santorum seemed to beat the dead Obama/Muslim horse thing, if that's even a sentence. On the Obama environmental policy: "It's not about you," he said. "It's not about your quality of life. It's not about your jobs. It's about some phony ideal. Some phony theology. Oh, not a theology based on the Bible. A different theology."
Maybe he meant to use the word "ideology." Maybe he thinks nobody is listening to a grown man in a sweater vest. Maybe he was trying to say that trees can be Islamic terrorists, although not all forests are Muslim.
Maybe as a child, Santorum was dropped on his head. Maybe from an airplane.
Maybe Santorum's pal Foster Friess should jump into the GOP presidential race.
Maybe Foster's momma shouldn't have been so far back in the line when God was handing out the Bayer aspirin.