Columns » Ranger Rich

Obama's missed opportunity

Ranger Rich

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President Barack Obama is stupid.

There he was at Colorado College a while back, surrounded by thousands of women, a perfect opportunity to tell the gals in the crowd how great it is that they can't get pregnant from rape because they have magic rape hormones that prevent it.

But he didn't even bring it up. What a dope.

Seizing upon our uneducated president's obvious omission, the Mensa Club we call the Republican Party sent U.S. Rep. Todd Akin of Missouri, a tea party candidate for the U.S. Senate, into action.

Asked during a TV interview on Sunday if abortion should be legal in the case of a woman becoming pregnant from rape, Akin said a woman's body has some sort of ability to block conception, avoiding unwanted pregnancy.

Here's what Akin had to say about pregnancy from rape: "It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that's really rare."

And by doctors, Akin was referring to the Missouri proctologists who routinely try to pull his head out of his — and here I use the strict medical term — douglamborn.

Then Republican boy wonder Akin really got going.

"If it's a legitimate rape," he said, "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."

While you try to catch your breath here I would like to point out that Akin — and I am not kidding about this — sits on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology. Really, he does.

(Which would explain his space proposal to land a man on the sun. When told that the vehicle would burn up if it got within 80 million miles of the sun, Akin smiled that smug Sarah Palin, tea party, I'm-smarter-than-you smile and explained, "Not if we go at night!")

Anyway, after the TV interviewer recovered from swallowing his tongue, Akin kept talking. (The best part about idiots is that they never seem to know they are idiots. Over the years this has given us great humor and, of course, the tea party.) And so the Einstein of the Republicans went on.

"Let's assume that maybe that didn't work or something," Akin said of a woman's ability to make her eggs hide in the attic during rape. "I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child."

This, as you might guess, was not Akin's first hike into the Moron Forest. Once, in the Missouri House of Representatives, he voted for an anti-marital rape law, but only after wondering aloud whether such a law would allow women to use accusations of rape as a "tool and a legal weapon to beat up on the husband."

Akin's views on biology came just two days after Mitt Romney's campaign announced a "Colorado Women for Mitt" coalition in which well-known Colorado women say Mitt is their man. Previously, staunch Republicans believed the only Mitt that women should have any interest in was an oven mitt.

(Here I would make a joke about Mormon wives but frankly, the last thing I need is a pack of angry pregnant women in 1850s-era dresses pounding on my door.)

The group of Colorado women jumping on the Romney bandwagon includes Jeanie Lamborn, wife of our very own previously mentioned U.S. Rep. Doug Lamborn, R-OddLookingLittleFella. Doug, by the way, hasn't been seen much lately. Friends say he mostly stays at home, cradling the phone, waiting for Romney's call asking him to be his vice presidential running mate.

Also listed on the Women Who Worship Mitt list was former Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton, who is, in strict geological terms, a real butte.

But, as I was saying, President Obama, that nitwit, babbled for more than a half-hour at Colorado College and not once did he bring up the new scientific discoveries in the areas of women and unwanted pregnancy. All the president said were dumb things such as "American people are tougher than tough times." And, "When we get knocked down we get back up."

Or as Republican women put it, "When we get knocked up, we get back up. And make dinner."

rangerrich@csindy.com

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