Today we'll discuss the smoking of weed and how our very hip and progressive El Paso County commissioners believe marijuana is the work of Satan and that it destroys a person's short-term memory, and also destroys a person's short-term memory and is the work of Satan.
Along the way we'll get to Dennis Hisey, chairman of the commissioners, who says regular pot-smokers are lazy and contribute nothing to society. Bolstering his argument is a candid interview with actual lazy and unproductive registered Colorado Medical Marijuana patient No. MMRB72413, who recently watched a gigantic polar bear in his backyard for 25 minutes before realizing it was a scrap of toilet paper stuck to his reading glasses.
Anyway, our commissioners are on the verge of finalizing a ban on marijuana use on county property. This would include our county parks, where pot smokers like to gather, fire up the bong and listen to the ocean.
The commissioners likely will also ban commercial growing and retail sales of pot in unincorporated county areas because it disturbs the chickens. Pot is known to cause rural people to do bizarre things, such as wear big trousers with straps that fasten over their shoulders, drive around all day on tractors and replace the word "yes" with "eee-yup."
The bans will likely come despite county voters last November narrowly approving Amendment 64, the statewide initiative that allows people 21 and older to possess an ounce or less of marijuana and to grow as many as six pot plants, each no larger than a redwood tree.
And by "narrowly approving," I mean county voters OK'd the amendment by 10 votes. Rural areas, however, voted against the measure by some 55 percent — with some 85 percent of those anti-pot folks adding that they hope within the next year to get one of them COM-puter gadget things.
Also, and this was surprising to some, voters at the Air Force Academy went heavily for Amendment 64. (Frankly, if someone stood over your bed every day at 6 a.m., woke you up by blowing a bugle in your ear and then cut your hair with a windshield ice scraper, you'd probably want to have a shoebox filled with pot, too.)
Voting heavily against the pot law were folks in the northeast part of the county, where Focus on the Family convinced them that pot-smoking makes you want to do unnatural things like listen to Elton John music or express an opinion different from your husband's.
Our local elected officials, of course, are visionary and sophisticated people on the cutting edge when it comes to things like this. For example, prior to the November election, District Attorney Dan May was quoted by the Gazette as saying this about Amendment 64: "It allows anyone from the world to come here and buy it or to sell it to anybody out in the world of unlimited amounts."
I don't think it can be put any clearer than that.
Just a few days ago I called Commissioner Hisey, who is really a very nice guy, and got this: "I think people who partake of marijuana regularly tend to not be some of the more productive citizens. They are people we are taking care of, the government is going to be taking care of them as they get older because they have never been productive or saved any money. I see high school friends at reunions and of the marijuana smokers, for a fair number of them, life has not been so kind."
Among the unproductive losers who reportedly smoked pot regularly at some point are President Barack Obama, Apple co-founder Steve Jobs, Microsoft guru Bill Gates (not admitted, although he strongly hinted at it during a Playboy magazine interview), scientist Carl Sagan and even George Washington, who grew hemp in his backyard and, many believe, smoked it.
Even Albert Einstein is believed to have dabbled. Which would explain that hair.
And even though Medical Marijuana card holder No. MMRB72413 is no Einstein, right now I could sure use a few of those onion bagels with globs of cream cheese that he and his brother sell.
Rich Tosches (firstname.lastname@example.org) also writes a Sunday column in the Denver Post.