Mr. Michael Feldman
Michael Feldman's Whad'Ya Know?
Wisconsin Public Radio
821 University Avenue
Madison, WI 53706
Dear Mr. Feldman:
After years of listening to your show, I've reached what I believe is the only logical conclusion: You need your ass kicked.
Today's frenetic society offers few opportunities for efficient, well-executed ass-kickings. Without a prescribed etiquette, ass- kicking has descended into an impulsive pastime for the drunk and disorderly. However, I am more than happy to provide you the opportunity to have your ass kicked respectably and responsibly at the time and location of your choosing.
Please do not confuse this offer with some preposterous 18th-century gentleman's duel. For not only do I lack any semblance of bourgeois respectability, but a duel implies a competition. At risk of hyperbolic chest-thumping, be aware that this will not be a fair fight: I, Kenneth Cleaver, will be kicking your ass. End of discussion.
For my services, I would only ask that you autograph my I kicked Michael Feldman's Ass T-shirt.
I hope you will seriously consider this unique offer.