Columns » Kenneth Cleaver

Kenneth Cleaver, Consumer Correspondent

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February 4, 2003

Mr. Ed Bircham
Bircham Office Supply
3004 N. Nevada Ave.
Colorado Springs, CO 80907

Dear Mr. Bircham:

I always enjoy your editorials in The Gazette reminding me to do better. I presume you have arrangements for someone else to remind you to do the same.

A few months ago I purchased a Panasonic UF 790 fax machine from your store. I realize this may sound ridiculous, but I have reason to believe it is homosexual.

Whenever I place my copy of Men's Health magazine in its proximity, it starts to make unprompted connect noises. In the event you are not aware, Men's Health features glistening men with astonishingly well-defined abdominal muscles on its covers. After repeated instances of this behavior, I noticed that the number the machine was dialing belonged to the Hide and Seek Bar -- a popular meeting place for area homosexuals.

My dismay lasted several weeks until I placed photographs of various celebrities next to the machine and observed its response. Britney Spears, Pamela Anderson, and Heidi Klum all failed to arouse the fax. However, Mark Wahlberg, Tom Cruise and Liza Minelli caused the machine to connect like mad. While these individuals are not homosexuals, they all figure prominently in homosexual culture. Or so I'm told.

In all other respects, the fax is great. I'm just curious if any other customers have reported similar problems. I'm also concerned whether or not this is part of a new homosexual campaign for political power. I'd appreciate a response in writing, as I'm too embarrassed to talk about this in person. I hope you understand.

Sincerely,

Kenneth Cleaver

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