Columns » Ranger Rich

He's a travelin' man

Ranger Rich

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Let's look today at the intelligent and sophisticated Republican primary campaign in the Fifth Congressional District, a campaign in which Moe has accused Curly of jetting around the world with Mrs. Curly, eating in posh restaurants and staying in lavish hotels, all on the dime of assorted private interest groups.

(Note: To complete that imagery I will now mention the third Stooge, Larry. McEvoy, that is, the doctor and ex-Memorial Hospital CEO who recently conducted a very painful and expensive anal probe of our village and found exactly what you might expect. That's right, our City Council.)

Anyway, back at the congressional campaign we find career politician Curly, or U.S. Rep. Doug Lamborn, R-Pluto, seeking his fourth term in Congress. Challenging him is Moe, also known as Robert Blaha, who believes Lamborn is such a joke that he's considering legally changing his name to Robert Blahahaha.

Lamborn, you'll recall, hit the national news last year by referring to President Barack Obama as a "tar baby." Our distinguished congressman, who, some say, looks like a guy in the grocery store who keeps running over his own heels with the shopping cart, said he was sorry if he had somehow offended anyone. Examples would include the approximately 40 million blacks in America and anyone else who has completed high school.

But instead of focusing on Lamborn's fascination with the 19th-century Uncle Remus stories, Blahahaha has chosen to go after his opponent's love of globe-trotting. (Last week globetrotter Lamborn passed a basketball behind his back, made an incredible hook shot from half-court and, later, at dinner, dribbled a 1998 Merlot down his chin.)

The Blaha ads point out that Lamborn and wife Jeanie have used his congressional clout to take all-expense-paid trips to:

• West Palm Beach, three times. Lamborn likes to show off on these trips by breaking open coconuts on his head.

• Amsterdam. Always careful not to offend his El Paso County voting base of loyal conservative evangelical Christian nuts, I mean constituents, Lamborn refers to the city as Amsterdarn.

• Germany. Doug told his audience he wished he had more time so he and Jeanie could visit both East and West Germany.

• Ottawa. Doug endeared himself to the crowd by pinching a woman on the buttocks and shouting, "Whoa. A Canada goose!"

• Turkey. U.S. Rep. Lamborn kept asking to see the country's famous Drumstick region and the area where Turkey borders Cranberry Sauce.

• Panama. Doug surprised his hosts with questions about the tympanic membrane and the Eustachian tube, apparently having confused the Panama Canal with the ear canal.

• Budapest. Our congressman dazzled government officials by making 1,435 jokes about getting something to eat because he was "really Hungary."

• Israel, twice. Asked during his first visit how he felt about Egypt's control of the Sinai Peninsula, Doug pointed out that he almost had to cancel the trip because of a bad cold that turned into a "Sinai infection."

Here now, and I am not kidding about this part, is the official written response to the Blahahaha campaign ads by Lamborn spokeswoman Catherine Mortensen: "These privately-funded trips, sponsored by non-profit organizations, allowed him to education himself on critical issues."

Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's our U.S. congressman showing a lack of educational on critical issues.

Mortensen went on to point out that another trip, to Lexington, Ky., occurred because Lamborn was the keynote speaker at a coal industry conference.

Doug's brilliant speech to the coal industry folks focused on how he loved singer Nat King Cole (until he found out he was black). He then pointed out that the formation of coal began in low-lying swamp lands some 300 million years ago — which is also the last time Rep. Lamborn had a lucid thought.

Later, top Kentucky officials (anyone with 10 or more teeth) invited Doug to be the first to enter a new coal mine — 15 minutes ahead of the canaries.

Well, that's about it for the Fifth Congressional District Republican primary campaign. And, just like Doug and his "tar baby" comment, if I have somehow offended anyone with this column, I am somewhat sorry, more or less.

You'd think I was completely uneducationalized.

rangerrich@csindy.com

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