Columns » Kenneth Cleaver

Consumer Correspondent

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March 31, 2001

Federal Bureau of Investigation

J. Edgar Hoover Building

935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW

Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Dear FBI:

I am currently deep in pursuit of a delicious graduate student who considers herself subversive. Frankly, I have never understood the academic Marxists; they just can't understand that the bourgeoisie will only tremor upon threat of having to read one of their interminable treatises. Common sense aside, I am in love and have been trying, with little success, to ingratiate myself to this woman through the following seditious behavior:

* Repeated violation of Starbucks customers only bathroom policy

* Abstinence from Hooters

* Viewing the complete films of Susan Sarandon

* Public library membership

Rather than perform a radical stunt, I thought I might enlist your services. Might you create one of your famous dossiers chronicling my career as an insurgent? Perhaps more effective would be to stage a shakedown with a couple of your most intimidating agents. For her to witness me enduring state repression would do much for my plight without causing any threat to the global marketplace.

Recognizing that it is not good form to conceive a relationship through deceit, I feel that these actions are necessary and that history will render them sweet possibly even romantic. I know that I am not cut out to for the enemy-of-the-state lifestyle, but I am indeed suited for this woman.

Sincerely,

reference to letter

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