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Cinefiles

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All Things Fall Apart (R)

Image Entertainment

Curtis "50 Cent" Jackson is cocky college running back Deon, a jerk-off who not only treats women like dirt and his family like foot-servants, but is about to be the No. 1 draft pick in the country. He's got it all — including cancer. As his football-rugged body falls apart on chemo, pretty soon all the offers and girls and everything start to disappear. Normally, this is where Deon would learn a lesson in humility and forgiveness. Only he doesn't until the final 10 minutes of the movie. No, as Deon faces doors closing in his face and old friends ashamed to look him in the eye, he becomes a bigger jerk than ever, ripping his entire family apart, almost always over hilariously trivial things. Also, Ray Liotta shows up as a cancer doctor, but plays said cancer doctor as if he were a former mobster put into witness protection. It's a low cell count of unintentional comedy! — Louis Fowler

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Anonymous (PG-13)

Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

Recalling a time when the theater was a hotspot of political intrigue, crucial social satire and potentially deadly activity, Independence Day director Roland Emmerich's aesthetically sweeping take on Oxfordian theory — which posits that William Shakespeare didn't actually write all those plays — is a sexy, complex historical drama so assured of its own ludicrousness that it's infectious. Rhys Ifans gives one of his best performances as the tortured Edward de Vere, a wealthy nobleman bred for great things who's "wasting his time" on poetic works. When the Tudor throne is in jeopardy, de Vere decides to use his dusty old manuscripts for the purpose of political action. To that end, he asks Ben Jonson (Sebastian Armesto) to take credit as the writer. Jonson, a playwright himself, scoffs, and in steps illiterate buffoon Shakespeare, happy to claim the glory and the gold. — Justin Strout

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Metal Shifters (PG-13)

Anchor Bay Home Entertainment

There once was an alien bacterium that collided with a Russian satellite, which sent it crashing into rural Idaho. That incident unleashed a virus that turns steel sculptures into sentient killing machines. For all intents and purposes, this should be the most awesome movie ever made. But, sadly, it's just another run-of-the-mill, made-for-SyFy hunk of junk that features great special effects and action. Normally that tends to save these movies, but this one's tarnished by uninteresting leads (Kavan Smith of Stargate: Atlantis and Nicole de Boer of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine — I yawned just typing that) and a dull script that relies too much on talking and running and too little metaling and shifting. It pretty much sends this one right into the compactor. I sure do hope this Canadian-lensed feature got some nice tax breaks, because otherwise, I'd just sell it for scrap and take the loss. — Louis Fowler

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