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The Incredible Sulk


I'm not the biggest horse in the barn, but my wife of 35 years has always said I'm perfect, she's satisfied with me, and my size doesn't matter. Recently, a commercial for "male enhancement" pills came on and I said, "Maybe I should try some." She said, "Bigger is nice, but I like being with you." This really hurt, as I viewed it as a comparison to men she'd dated before me. I'm so angry because I'd never compare her to anyone and feel I've been lied to for 35 years. I didn't speak to her for two days, and when she asked why, I told her. First, she didn't remember saying anything, then said she didn't compare me, and apologized. I'm still hurt and have no desire to be intimate. I need advice though, because I don't want this to come between us. Still Stunned

So, in a perfect world, the first time you had sex, your wife would've announced, "As man-tools go, yours is one of those little eyeglass screwdrivers." Instead, she pronounced you "perfect" a cruel lie. Worse yet, she claims she's satisfied with you, and says your size doesn't matter. Actually, it seems pretty clear it does, except it isn't your small penis that's the problem, but the fact that you're acting like a really big pinhead.

Your wife tries to be sweet, reassuring you, "Bigger is nice, but I like being with you," and you treat her like she's erected an altar in her head to The Big One, The Really Big One, and Defies The Laws of Physics. How dare she compare you to any other man?! Uh ... are you for real? Sorry to bust up your fairytale idea of human nature, but people assess what works for them, in part, by comparison: Bigger, smaller, better, good enough, hasn't behaved this idiotically in years.

Hey, Doofus! With all those Big Biffys out there, she married you. So, if you're not exactly big, apparently you're big enough. And, a little something else to consider: While most of the sex problems I get are from couples in flannel pajamas and separate beds at the 3.5-year mark, you and your wife are still doing it at year 35. Or, rather, were. Good move, sailor!

Adding to the ridiculousness, Mr. Dinky's little strike started with a commercial for something that doesn't even work. Well, that's not entirely fair. "Male enhancement" pills do increase size of the bank accounts, number of resort homes and fleets of yachts of the people selling them. But, as urologist Dr. Irwin Goldstein told Nutrition Action Healthletter, "There's no pill, prescription or otherwise, that will make a penis longer." The good news comes from Dr. Eugene Fine, another urologist I interviewed a while back: "Most of the anatomy in a woman that's responsive to sexual pleasure is right at the front door. Just get in there and ring the bell."

Probably the most effective "male enhancement" is confidence: thinking of yourself as a MINI Cooper among men small, but surprisingly powerful, and great on the curves. And then, of course, there's not acting like a vengeful, passive-aggressive weenie when your wife's doing her best to let you know you're loved and wanted. Now, be a big man in the way that counts, and apologize. Be grateful that she knows you don't measure how much of a man a guy is by sticking a ruler down his tighty-whities, and see if you can't distract her from what a nitwit you've been with a little game of "Hide the salam--" uh, sorry ... Slim Jim.

The tot police


I was angered by your response to "Not the Mama," supporting this horrible girl who was put off by dating a single father. She should consider herself lucky she found an involved dad. If she isn't woman enough for him, send him and his daughter my way. I actually have the capacity to love, understand, appreciate and accept. Single Mother of Three Amazing Children

Stalin. Hitler. Pol Pot. Twenty-five-year-old girls who want dates, not play dates. As "horrible" people go, perhaps, in her case, it's a bit much to start lighting candles and reciting, "First they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew ... " What I find horrible is your contention that an "involved dad" is some kind of rare animal, like the white rhino. Frankly, this girl wouldn't even be horrible if she admitted to finding kids merely loud, sticky and expensive. But, she doesn't hate children; at this point in her dating life, she just favors the unborn kind. Recognizing that is a good thing. As for your capacity to love, understand, appreciate and accept, feel free to extend it to a girl whose idea of childproofing her house happens to be stocking up on contraception.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail adviceamy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com).

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